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Mr.Looser

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Mr.Looser

“मैं
कौन हूँ” आज फिर दिल मे ये सवाल आ गया
आज फिर खुद ही से मिलने का ख्याल आ गया”
So I am sitting here alone. Trying to find myself. Who I am? What’s my existence? What have I done in my life? where am I going? Whats next? “I don’t know”. what I am good at? I can honestly say I don't have a hobby or interest that excites me or that I do on a regular basis & I have never found anything I am truly good at. Surely at 18 years of age I should have mastered something by now?

I have spent my 18 yrs just like that floating dead body flowing in the flow of water.I am just a useless brat. I haven’t tried to do anything. I have been flowing like a dead body. I haven’t done what I like to do, what I enjoy. I have never brought out my feelings out from heart. I just have bottoled them inside. ? I have spent my entire life killing my feelings. I am emotionally handicapped.I keep everything to myself
I cant show people my truly feelings no matter how hard I try.
And all this happen because of my coward, funky attitude. I have always been timid when its about expressing. In my entire life, I have always been Standing by the sideline. I can’t even explain my feelings then “what can I do”? And funniest and saddest thing is that I can do NOTHING. Why do I have been hiding them.
The more I stayed mummed, the more depressed I felt. Whenever I have felt like saying something, I have thought if people would even care. I am just empty. I am Unconcerned about Myself. I am worn out. Don’t wonder now, sometimes I think of committing suicide. Don’t bother I want to die but, I fear to die. To be honest I don’t have any problems except me. Life is not really complicated, I am just making it that way. Sometimes I want to die because I feel I am useless, I am inferior
बेकार आदमी कुछ किया कर,
कपड़े उधेड़कर सिया कर

Whatever I am today, it is only because of me. Because I have afraid to be different. I am ashamed of who I am. I shouldn’t have cared what people thought. I took me for granted and dishonored myself. I thought I am not enough. At least if I would have been little confident, little social, little hard worker, then I’d have respect myself. If I would have small and white teeth, if I were more adventurous and thick-skinned, if I would have achieved my goals, then I’d want me, then I’d love myself.
I have said things to me that I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy and I’ve taken it, and internalized every word. And in the process, I’ve lost myself... who I am?

who I am?

3 Love

Mr.Looser

Dad I think I don’t talk enough with you. I don’t spend enough time with you

You have always been my hero . I am sorry I don’t always treat you the way hero should be. But work is in progress.
He who miss treat his father is worthless and disgraceful son.
I regret for not having the chance to know more about you

Dad I want to apologize.so I have decided to write you a letter. Reading this you will get hurt lot Dad I want to say sorry to you. There is so much negativity, misunderstanding, grudge about you rattling inside my head. I have thought very bad about you ;no any son can thought about his father like I have. shame on me. I'm sorry I haven't been receptive or given you enough attention and affection

In childhood usually felt that my father doesn’t love me, he don’t care for me. He don’t love our family.he only think of other people, their childs but never about us. I was very scared of you. That’s why I hated you..for me he was haanikarak baapu. I don’t wanted to sleep with you . at mid night if I found myself with sleeping with you. I would go to moms bed. Your presence used to take away my comfort therefore I always wanted you to go to office as early as possible. coz, then only I would be the king of my house. I never waited for his home coming (very few exceptions are market,diwali, vacation or Sunday).when he used to come from bazaar. I used to see bag in hidden way and if I would find any thing there, then I hesitated that it might be for others. Whatever was there was only and only for us I always scared to ask you for money. I never wanted to follow your most of the decisions, but I could not oppose them, coz I
was scared. Whatever I needed I never told you , I told only to my mother or brother coz I most of the time I felt that you would deny. When i/ we use to fight/make noise then u used to say punha jr tumhi awaj kelya tr tighanle hi ghara baher kadhto. And I always felt that he will definitely throw out of house. Whenever you used to scold us we used to cry beside corner or going in kitchen near mother.mom has beaten us, scolded us,gave threats of cauterizing.Despite of all this I never feared toi my mother. I never hold grudge(long time) against my mother. For me she has always
been kind, loving , caring everything for me. Safest place for me. I dontt remember that you have ever slapped or done any physical harm to us.then also I have feared of you. Why? I don’t know. When I used to see or I see now kids hugging their father or talking without hesitataion. Eg. Every day I see nil. He is very resembling to me. he is his mother’s pet, he is as clever as me, his teeths are also same, but one thing differs that he he fear to his father but he can talk with his his father frankly, he can hug his father etc etc. I regret about this. In your reel life people used to fear you coz with the brown eyes, high pitched voice, angry stare you was perfect villain. Similarly your personality was like a villain for me. I don’t knoe about my siblings feelings but I am sure they felt the same.
Tumhi natak sodla nahi ghari gheun alat.
Sometimes I feel that you have ruined my childhood. If you might have been normal, I would have been very happy. Then I convince to myself hat there is nothing like this. This are useless thoughts..but sometimes suddenly this thoughts arise.and I start blaming you. You have never cared for us. You just have cared only for others. If you would have focused on us We would have progressed in life. Dad you are engrossed that much in developing others family that you have forgotten your own.
We would have been happy family. Now just family is left don’t know where happiness is. You are responsible for my contraction. You have never let us speak out. You have imposed your decisions rather than asking at least once for our opinions. . We are of family but we don’t know what’s in others mind. We have not open up. Everyone is bottling their feelings inside. Why mummy try to to ignore talks and face offs of her brother and sister. Sometimes even you cannot speak out what you want to. Why? We look united but we aren’t want to speak you about this but I cant.
But its very harsh to trap you alone responsible for all these we everyone are responsible.
You are not a villain you are a perfect hero.
Dad you have done everthing for us. But in return what ihave given you. Breakdown of your hopes,disappointment.hatred.I have forgotten yours Nights of illness, stress, and worry don’t seem to mean a thing to you. We loved you and supported you.
When you sent me to hostel thinking that I will be big officer in my future but this has let misunderstanding, negativity increased.

का वागलात असे त्याच्याशी? त्याच्या पाशी होते नव्हते ते सारे तुमच्यावर उधळले त्याने, तरीही ? I'mm sorry that it took very long to realize it. You have spent sleepless nights and killing yourself while trying to give your kids a happy future. With a stern face, you have been awakening at night worrying if you are doing your “parenting" thing right. You have always made sure that are you creating a healthy environment for us to become the best. But I'm sorry that I wasn't able to see what you guys were really going through. Thank you for never giving up on our happiness, no matter what obstacles you have to gone through. At this point, I am a little closer to understanding a little bit of why you did what you did. The closer that I get to understanding, the more I am understanding that I had no idea how much you loved me and still love me. Now, it just hurts me even more thinking about how I couldn't understand you. #sorrydad

#sorrydad

8 Love

Mr.Looser

I was engrossed in my own world that much ki tya jagatun khali padlyavar athavala ki apan jyancha muda maja karat ahot sala apan tyanchi athwan suddha karat nahi in the prooocess I have hurt youer emotions/feelings. I have remembered you only Jevha hostel madhe majha konashi jhagda jhala, jr majhyashi konis bolat nasel, when I used to feel low … mala tumchi athvan yachi bohots.in short in hostel when I used to fall flat on my face mi lahanshya bada sarkha radaycha. Majhya bed khalchya sachin le mahit nahi jhala paijhe mhanun mhajha tond ushina dabat hoto. Pn sachin le mahit jhalas. I have become selfish now.
I am sorry for breaking your hopes/expectation. I am sorry for making you cry. I am sorry for making you cry. I am sorry for my tantrums, stubbornness, arguments etc. I am sorry mi tumhi sangitleli gosht kadhi hi ekat nahi. Mi gharatil kontihi kam karat nahi. I am sorry for letting you down, I should have tried harder coz you only want what is best for me.I am sorry for lying with you from the time I was born. I have lied to you about money, my life health, study and lot more
. I know its very hard for you when I don’t act right . why don’t I respect all your commands when you have talked with me nicely.

I have realise that I spend minimum time with my family. I am busy in hangimg out with my friends, tv, mobile etc. I am sorry for the times I choose to hang out with my friends and to participate in non important activities over you.

Those who have taught respecting others, has been disrespected by me so many times.
This sorrys are not enough when compared to your unconditional love dedication etc.

Thank you as a child of two of the hardest working, involved, and devoted parents who I have ever known, thank you. #sorry#thankyou#regret

#Sorry #thankyou #regret

2 Love

Mr.Looser

I saw excessive pampering of my siblings (especially my brother) by my parents and relatives. I thought I am unlovable. At the age of 5 my parents admitted me to hostel. Thought I have been abandoned. Everyone used to laugh at my drawings. Once I got z+. So from then onward for me drawing something means gathering people to humiliate myself. I was told/ teased that I am not a player. I implanted in my head that I am useless player. It was very sad that I proved myself useful by spending most of the time clapping and cheering loudly as spectator whilematch and I would let my team won matches only in my head. I used to score good marks in math’s, but later on I could not solve solutions of some chapters. I told myself math’s is
unsolvable In school when I used to saw every, attractive student I met .I feel bad. Deep inside, I was thinking why I am not like him. I was consistently dissatisfied and blame myself saying I’m not good enough. As a captain of my
house, I failed to develop my house. I thought I am not good enough for leadership. My hairs turned white. I started walking with shoulders down They said I am getting old. I lost enthusiasm. My elders usually yelled/shout at me When some of my friends slightly cornered with me, I felt I am unwanted. She said “you are disgusting”, I believed her. When I felt that she love me so I was in the way to a just then she accepted his proposal. I thought I am not worthy of being prince of any princess. I still heard it. echoes of everyone who had ever told me “no”
After then I have always doubted myself
Coz above mentioned thoughts were like a seed that was then planted in my brain. And every time I thought about it, I watered it. Soon enough, that seed sprouted and feelings of not being enough and I cants resulted in I don’t speak up because I believe others have better things to say. I quit putting myself out there because I believed other people were better. Whenever I’ve looked in the mirror and heard a voice inside me saying, “You can’t.” I used to hear I can from heart. But unfortunately I always ended up doing nothing. Because intensity of “I can’t” rattling inside my brain was very massive compared to “I can” and I never stepped up in the ground coz generally I was defeated by my thoughts inside my mind.

Sitting frustrated, I commemorate my fears of jejunity. “What if I fail to inspire others

What if I fail to meet others expectation

What If I fail to be successful

What if I fail to have friends

What if I’ll be all alone” etc. etc.
But now I regret “what if I never had those fears”

I could have better today. #what if

#what if

2 Love

Mr.Looser

I am sorry for cheating myself, for cheating with you everyone. I am sorry for letting me go in the world of darkness where no one was. I am sorry for humiliating myself my dreams my friends my parents my teachers. I am sorry for not trying to grow up. I am sorry for getting lowered in my own eyes. I am sorry for abusing myself. I am sorry for not being with me when needed truly. I am sorry for being unexpressive. I am sorry...I am so sorry for creating a problem that isn't there. . I am sorry for being lazy, useless, hopeless, untidy, Careless( in fact I am sorry for being great example of every negative adjective). I am sorry for being unworthy. I am sorry for not loving myself. I am sorry coz; sometimes I say stupid things, which are not valid. I am sorry for being selfish, impatient, sometimes I am little difficult to control.
I am sorry for laughing at disable people.(People who laugh at the disabled are usually bullies and cowards.)I am sorry I have bullied small kids.
I am sorry for laughing sometimes when there was no joke. I am sorry because I judge people by their looks ,skin,ascents,dresses etc. coz I feel that FINE FEATHER MAKES FINE BIRD.
I am sorry for being negative. I am sorry for installing negative thoughts in my companions. I am sorry for being extremely harsh with everyone. I am sorry for being very irritating, violent etc. I am sorry for not replying texts and calls of my friends. I am sorry for disrespecting their feelings .You all have genuinely loved and cared for me. I am sorry for breaking your hopes expectations. I am sorry that I have not given love and care in return to you. I am sorry for all the vulgar talks. I am sorry I have given unwanted and undeserved titles to people . I am sorry if I have hurt you when I tried to create fun. I am sorry for holding grudge of some peoples. . I am sorry for letting you all down. I am sorry for all heartbreaks. . I am sorry for being party spoiler. I am sorry coz I talk loudly with my elders. I am sorry friends I have pushed you everybody from my life because I am sad from long time. I don’t know exact reason but I just felt that I must push them away, then only I will get peace( and feeling of being lovable). I am sorry, so sorry. It was very foolish act from me. In the process my all richness was gone away with you everyone. Now I feel like poorest in the world. I am sorry for holding grudge against people. I am sorry for bossing. I am sorry coz I have shouted angrily on
others. I am sorry coz I have talk behind back about so many people(list of persons .is quit long) to add spicy flavor in stories. Cowards talk behind your back, but someone with courage and who actually has respect for you (whether they like you or not) will tell you to your face. I am sorry for hurting by my words. I am sorry I have feared to talk with many of you. I’ve just stopped talking and started ignoring instead of being open and honest.i have just keep bottling my feelings inside.

In short ‘If my words, my actions, my mistakes, my fault whether direct or indirect, my responses, my reaction, my behavior have hurt you, I am sorry.’

2 Love

Mr.Looser

Why I am always bottling my feelings inside. Why I cant open them out.
Why bro why?
Why I always feel that i am not enough? I know I have many people with whom I can share everything,
but
WHY I choose to listen only?
WHY I don’t find myself comfortable – whether I am happy or sad, excited or enraged?.
WHY I like to be private?
WHY I like to be unknown?
WHY I try to fade away with crowd?
Why? Why I cant stand up for myself or defend myself.
Why I cant get a single work done without being clumsy or awkward which people do very easily.
Why people call me timid, stupid weird , still a baby?.
Why do I feel and why do people say that I am incapable of achieving anything in my life???¿???¿ #Why

#why

4 Love

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