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Real love isn't easy and if I'm being honest, I don't want things to be easy.
I don't want things to be easy between us. We are two different people who don't, and won't, see eye-to-eye on every single thing. I don't want things to always be simple, for us to always agree and never argue. I don't want us to be two people that live this fairytale type of love, because that's not real love.
Real love isn't easy. Its fighting and driving one another crazy. It's frustration and confusion. It's moments of good and bad, moments of pure bliss and pure chaos. But it's choosing each other, despite that mess.
Falling in love doesn't mean you meet someone whose life and perspective perfectly aligns with yours. You won't get into a relationship with someone who will always treat you right, always do what he or she is supposed to, always make you laugh and never frustrate you.
You won't find it perfect because love is imperfect.
I don't want an easy love. I don't want a love that is fake, structured and boring. I want something real, messy, complicated and passionate.
I want the challenge. I want the real raw emotions that come with falling for someone. I want us to disagree and argue, frustrate one another and challenge each other's perspective.
I want things to be as they are -- not like a Disney movie or romantic fairytale.
I want things to be real because we're real. Because we're imperfect. Because we're us. And I wouldn't change that for the world.
Most of the people will think that what they are living, what they are capable of feeling is the reality. But just ask this yourself: what if something create the experiences of your most normal day while you are lying on your bed? Then how would you differentiate between whats real and whats not? Our very definition of the word "real" is obsolete. Actually, there is no real, at least what we call is not worth calling real. What we call real is not more than the neurological signals our brain receives and the way it interprete them. What is actually real is something that lies beyond what our senses can observe. Maybe is what our saints and even lord Buddha searched for and when he found it, he called gyan. We all are already drowned in this abyss of illusion which we call reality that we can hardly see the sun shining right above us. If the world around us is nothing more than an illusion, then how can the emotions related to them can be real. Emotions are just the biological feature that evolution gave us to react to certain kind stimulations. When one starts to feel beyond this illusion a whole a new version of emotions start to develop inside him which will be way better than our current one. Long talk small: When one leaves the support of what he thinks is real, which is actually the illusion, he starts to learn how to walk on path of actual reality. The truth that everyone seeks is inside us, we just need to EXPLORE!!!
Why do I love a girl who made it clear that she doesn't and even though another great girl love me but I don't have the same feelings for her and I still miss my ex everyday and each day, it's been 10 years, I tell people that I moved on but I didn't, why?
This question was asked in Quora(Quora is social media app where people ask questions and get answers) to me by probably not an Indian
Read the answer below
Well, you have some serious issues
You should be consulting with a very good psychologist or psychiatrist instead questioning here on Quora.
This is not a laughing matter, you have issues buddy, as you said it's been 10 years!!!!
I know plenty of men who has the same experience as you have so you are not the odd man but they would have moved on by now and even if they aren't attracted to this current girl, they would go out with different girl to give himself fair chance and also tell this current girl the truth lightly as it could break her heart as well
Question yourself (although you may have already done everything but you seem to me the kind of person who might not)-
Why do I love her?
Why do I only love her?
Why do I feel I can't survive without her?
Do I believe too much on this soul mate crap?
Have I seen too much rom com?
Am I a very unrealistic person?
Why doesn't she feel the same way about me?
What is wrong with me?
Am I ugly?
Am I an unemployed person?
Am I out of shape?
Don't I have any sex appeal?
Why am I not attracted to this current girl?
Is it because she is ugly?
Is it because she doesn't have any sex appeal?
Is it because she doesn't know how to be romantic?
Am I some kind of love sick obsessed dick?
Now let me explain your type of male brain (I don't know you personally so let me go all the way, you can choose yourself, which is possible for you)-
You believe too much on this soul mate bullshit, buddy, subconsciously or consciously
This is why you are programmed to obsessed over her even though she clearly stated otherwise.
You probably have some kind of wild fantasy with her and it is so strong in your brain (it relaxes you, it gives you extraordinary peace) that you can't help but think about her everyday as it never fullfiled, in reality you will be disappointed more likely even if you are with her
You believed this fantasy of yours is only possible with that girl, this current girl doesn't even belong in the same league
Or you have a very simple fantasy with her, as it could be nothing to with sex but everything else like cooking with her, sharing stuff with her, cleaning with her, going to places with her, laughing with her, the way she looks at you, it isn't possible with others
You believe she understands you better than any other person or you don't want anyone to understand you as you feel either it could be better than her and you might forget her and you don't want that or she will not measure up
Maybe she left you because she knows you well
Have you ever thought about that?
Now I am guessing that you are not too outrageously ugly otherwise another girl who could be very ugly as well wouldn't have any feelings for you as she also doesn't have much options it seems, anyone else would have moved on by now knowing your obsession about that girl but she still here and that tells me she doesn't have much have options and ugly and you are incredibly lucky idiot
Now you don't have to settle with a girl that you don't have any feelings
But have you checked yourself infront of mirror?
Are you some kind of Tom Cruise?
I am guessing that you are not
But no-one is but they don't have this kind of unhealthy obsession with one girl either
Do you feel that you have some other skills like to make her laugh or something??
Let's get one thing straight-
You are wrong in so many occasions-
There's no such thing as soulmate in real world that only exists in rom com, either you have an wonderful chemistry with a wonderful girl that you are lucky to find or you grew into that eventually after some point of time, now this is what happens in real life
Unless you are one of those picking up girls type and regularly sleep with girl, speaking from personal experience those men lie a lot, they don't pick up as much girls as much as we are told, they go most nights alone, I know from experience
These men constantly groomed themselves and learning new ways to pick up girls, are you doing any of these things??
Girls generally like men who are well behaved, have good hygiene, but they also know who is a pick up artist, have a good job, stable personality, so that they can have a future with them
Those girls who are just trying to have sex, they also don't go for desperate people, they could go for badasses to thrill themselves as it is one night stand but it is just sex for one night and they also knows how to make sure that it doesn't turn into anything more than that, and if you are thinking otherwise, let me tell you don't, it won't, people are more capable of handling their emotions than you might expect so they would seem more cold than you expect, is something like that happened with you involving that girl?
A reality check for you buddy, real life is nothing like romantic movie, even if you are with your so called soulmates, you are going to have problems, I mean ugly problems, you need to adjust to each other, and if you are not with your so called soul mate, it's not that bad either, you will have a lot of unexpected surprise, it could be something that is beyond your expectation, you might end up having better experience than your wildest imagination
And what is this obsession with one Girl?? She is a human being with two boobs and one vagina, other Girls also have that, how do you know that they are not good enough for you? How do you know about everything about everything? Are you some kind of all knowing God? You are treating one girl as some kind of superior angel over others and insulting rest of girl population in the process, this is not very rational thinking
I think real problem is with you not whether she loves you back but you like being in this obsession with her, you like this whole process which is why even 10 years have not changed anything for you
This is why I told you about consulting with a psychologist or psychiatrist in the first place
You might not be in love with that girl
You are in love with this obsession of yours
Yeah, don't get surprised
This could very well be the real truth
Buddy, nothing is impossible, you can get out of this unhealthy obsession and move on and be happy with your life
You just need to give yourself a proper chance
Whenever you feel you are missing her, do these-
Involve yourself with positive, constructive work
You could involve yourself with some organisations that helps the poor people, helping the needy can be great peaceful and heavenly feelings, nothing can beat that, you will start to see the world differently
Groom yourself constantly
Go to gym
Go to dates
Meet as much as girls as possible
Don't expect anything, in dating world rejection is normal, you are only going for experience and to keep yourself busy, don't talk about ex in dates, treat her well, just have fun nothing more, again don't expect anything, just have fun, anything is possible
You will get over her
She isn't some special girl but just another one
You are special as well
You deserve better
“A world without love is a deadly place”
“Since the heaven and earth were created, you were made for me and I was made for you, and I will not let you go,” declared Chang Po to his beloved Meilan (Yutang 1954, P.73). The Chinese still cry over this Chinese fable.
Paris and Helen, Orpheus and Eurydice, Shiva and Sati, Laila and Majnu, we can come accross thousands of stories, poem, writing accross centuries over continents. There is one single thing common i.e Love. We spend our lives searching for it, talking about it, craving it. Love is called the greatest virtue. Sometimes we can't express it, it has to be felt.
Love is complex and fascinating. Romantic love is more complex and more mystery, hard to explain. As per psychological studies romantic love is associated with emotions, motivations and behaviors. In romantic love lovers experience extreme energy, hyperactivity, sleeplessness, moodswing etc. An important property of romantic love is 'intrusive thinking'.
Our Brain on Love..
We think that love and relationships are art than science, but there is actually a part of
science involved with falling in love. Both men and women experiences many changes during romantic love. Did you know that the chemicals released when we are falling in love are similar to the chemicals released when a person uses cocaine? Its true. But what is in that love that puts a person on 'cloud nine'?
“The first step in the process of falling in love is the initial attraction, It’s the powerful moment when we meet another person and feel energized and are immediately aware of our heart pounding.” says Elizabeth Kane,a clinical psychologist of South University. By psychologist Robert Sternberg, the three components of love are 'intimacy', 'passion', and 'commitment' - ( according to Triangular theory of love)
Intimacy, Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness,
association with our loved ones.
Passion, Passion refers to the strong and intense desire for love and sex.
Commitment, is the decision that one loves other, and commitment to maintain that love.
“Romantic love evolves when one feels a sense of interdependence, attachment, and that their psychological needs are being met.”
Science behind love..
I have some beautiful experience of watching my friends falling in love, even I watched myself falling in love. Person in love always smile when they talk about their mate, and they always like to talk a lot about them. Although people experience love uniquly. There are biological attraction behind the initial attraction and falling in love.
Dopamine, which is originated from brain and adrenal glands, stimulates the release of testosterone. Dopamine affects the genitals, the sweat glands, and also the senses. probably you have noticed that when you are in primary stages of love, you sweat more. As a consequence of dopamine release, mood and emotions are also influenced, leading to feelings of excitement and satisfaction. On other side, testosterone increases sexual desireness and aggressive behaviour and it may push someone to pursue the one who is fueling this intense response.
The neurotransmitters norepinephrine and phenylethylamine(PEA) act to focused attention. Norepinephrine is a stimulant, so it causes individuals to feel alert such as unable to sleep, and make them to notice and remember even the tiny of details about their mate. PEA is responsible for the feelings of dizziness. If the relationship doesn’t last, and PEA levels decreases and are responsible for the feelings of depression that can be experienced.
A feedback loop starts to form, with a brain reward system becoming involved. The reward system transmit chemical messages, via neurotransmitters, to various parts of the body, including the stomach, skin, genitals and other organs, which causes them to reciprokete to the brain. During the primary stages of love, this reward system is stimulated through very simple way such as, a lover’s touch, seeing their photograph, or even just thinking about this person can increase elevated mood. According to the study conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher using functional magnetic resonance imaging(fMRI) on those who were passionately in love(ten women and seven men) found that those brain reward system got activated even on looking at their lover pictures.
Where we are going...
Love, the word itself brings smile on our faces. The existance of love in in Every single civilization, era. But a few people thniks that romantic love i.e romance is created in twelveth century but first love poem dated 4000 years back. But some says love is the most powerful force in universe. Can we imagine our life without love? What if love would not exist in future? Have we ever thought about these question? I think most of us will say 'no'. Because we cannot live without love whether that love is for our mate, love for our children, love for our parents, love for our society. Only love can bring peace in our hectic world. We cannot say about future, we only can predict it. Let's see where love will take us!
What can be the conclusion of an infinite feeling! It does not matter whoever you are, love always guide your life and your daily life activity. Love will give you meaning of everything in nature. Love is worth us and what we possess. Love drives from our heart, and let it be driving force of everything and let it live in our heart to influence, guide, heal and motivate yourselves and others.
“Where there is love, there is life”