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THE RED HILL’S KING
 
Rise, O Red Hill’s King!
Prep your armies vast.
The demon horde conches the music o’ war.
Here arrives the beastly Son of Satan from South.
 
Your wicked Queen ran away,
Dealt your ancestral Holy Casket to the Beast.
The dark prodigy advances,
An ambition to annex your empire with Hell.
 
Why you drink now, my Lord?
This ain’t no cause of revel, you imbecile.
The royal sages forewarned,
Yet had no impact on your head.
 
O there he comes,
There they lay, your murdered guards.
Red Hill’s besieged,
Enters the Beast in your Royal Court.
 
 
Stomps and shatters your Holy Casket,
Stomps and shatters your peace.
Down on your knees you beg mercy,
Yet Ares directs to war.
 
Draws your sword from your scabbard
And strikes it at the Beast’s belly.
Stands, he, unscathed
And you, my Lord, in horror.
 
Gropes, he, from your hair
And drags you out on battlefield.
The ghastly battalion awaits,
For a sacrifice to Satan’s broth.
 
Your General marches forth aside,
Your army fearlessly behind,
You slice your sword at the Beast’s wrist
And you join your forces to command.
 
The gruesome clash begins,
A battle of Herculean might.
Fearlessly ride, you,
Slaying the monsters of the Beast.
 
Down goes your tower,
Down goes your castle to ruination.
Demonic catapults fire upon your army,
Diminishing your numbers’ might.
 
Unaffected, you charge,
Take the demon Beast head on.
Your General rides along with you,
Your most loyal warrior, a true Lancelot.
 
Down falls your number vast,
Down falls the Beast’s horde,
Your General trips down the usurper,
You strike his chest and splice his heart out.
 
Falls the Beast silent,
Drained off his flesh and blood.
You raise your sword sky-high,
The demon horde bewildered.
 
Retreats down the Hill,
The mighty usurper’s forces,
Take your sword to your reliquary,
A blade carrying the Beast’s heart.
 
Replace your Holy Casket with it,
Display your glory;
Head back to your throne,
And reclaim your inner peace.
 
Rebuilds your castle, brick-by-brick,
Regains your kingdom’s might.
Yet peace is afar,
For the fugitives still revolt.
 
Your remainder army suppresses them,
You rule your kingdom,
But the sky grows dark again,
A new struggle dawns.
 
Enters your General in Royal Court,
Speaks well of you from the commoner’s mouth.
Self’s glory lost amidst,
Exits the Court, this Machiavellian.
 
Enters the reliquary, this fallen comrade,
Takes your glorious blade
And dips the Beast’s heart
In the raging Satan’s flame.
 
Places the burning heart, he,
Into the bony ribs of imprisoned Beast’s remains.
Monster is revived,
A scion of Hell’s vengeance.
 
Rises the Devil Beast,
Snaps the neck of your General, my Lord.
Rises, he, from his dingy cell,
Into his ethereal form.
 
Burns a hole in your castle’s foundation,
Brings it down brick-for-brick.
A quake shakes the ground he walks,
Raises back his army, undead.
 
The demon ghouls march forth,
Revived under their commander,
Numbers regained.
A multitude of Death.
 
Your demeanour broken, my Lord,
Your numbers spent.
Your castle crumbles,
Your kingdom in mortal peril.
 
Ride out, you, to the battlefield,
With your remaining cavalry.
Infantry armed by your inspiration,
And scantily by armour and weapons.
 
Drawn close to each other,
The Beast and you;
A word to propagate upon,
Before the climactic bloodshed.
 
Beast: “Surrender, Red Hill’s King.
Naught hath happened irrevocable.
Surrender thee, and I
Shall make thee, my well-paid herald.”
 
King: “Nay! Thy fiery demon.
Pierce my bosom’s heart,
Mutilate my corpse!
The soul within shall reunite with the Holy Kingdom!”
 
Angrily, the Beast replies:
“Father Satan shall hath
Thy soul as his broth!”
And swings his mace down upon the King.
 
The Red Hill’s King with all his might,
Blocks the charge with his sword.
“Charge!” says you, my Lord,
And your loyal army advances to war.
 
The epic clash begins,
The gruesome war ensues,
Your numbers fully spent,
You retreat to your ruins.
 
Afraid and wounded, you flee,
Sends your last man to West.
Finds a cavern deep below
The ruins of your castle, to hide.
 
Marches forth the Beast
To your hideout.
Pulls you out like a worm from ground,
Drags you back, you cowardly wretch.
 
Tosses you in front of himself,
Orders his ghoulish force at halt.
Challenges your might, your glory,
In a head-on duel.
 
You arm yourself with your renowned blade,
The Beast with his fiery mace.
Prance upon one-another,
To decide this Age’s fate.
 
Valour you show, O mighty Red Hill’s Lord,
But your courage has no impact upon the Beast.
Every scar, every strain upon his body,
Brings you close to Hell’s wrath.
 
Has had enough antics, the Beast,
Strikes you with his mighty mace,
Your armour saves your bosom,
Yet you cough out blood.
 
Strikes, he, down his mace again,
Down upon your back.
You eat the dirt of your soil,
Adulterated by your royal blood.
 
Weary and wounded you lie,
Puddle of blood on the ground.
Choked by your final breaths,
Await you, my Lord, for Hades to embrace you.
 
Mercilessly beats the Beast, you,
No force against him standing.
The conch shells blow again,
Atop the Western hill.
 
The royal army stands firm,
Led by the Empress of West.
War-elephants, cavalry, infantry; all present,
Awaiting their Queen’s express command.
 
The Beast halts his shower of brutality,
Stares determined upon the Empress.
Her army marches forth,
To settle this Age’s final score.
 
The pace quickens of the Empress’ army,
Their cavalry gallops down with vigour.
The pace quickens of the ghoulish army,
All set for Hell’s sacrilege.
 
You, my Lord, find your humungous trumpet,
In the wreckage of your castle,
Makes it massive blow heard to all,
Your final battle cry.
 
The demons and the royals clash,
The Beast takes on the Empress.
So graceful and glorious is she,
Her legends come true to witness.
 
Slices clean the Beast’s legs,
Slices clean his abdomen in upper cut.
The Beast taken aback,
Continues to challenge her glory.
 
Makes their way down, the Empress’ war chariots,
Downhill with their bladed wheels.
Cuts the ghouls in pieces many,
Until the Beast stands solitary.
 
O Red Hill’s King, you
Grab a bow and arrow.
The string pulled with all your strength,
For one last of your move.
 
The Empress knocks down the Beast,
Stabs her blade in his chest.
You, my Lord, fire your arrow,
And blind this raging bull.
 
Drained, you fall incapacitated,
Yet the Beast rises again.
The sky echoes ferocious roars,
Fly down the Royal Winged-Lions of East.
 
Land and prance upon the Beast, they
Gnaw him to his bone.
Their sharp sabres dug in,
More effective than a mortal blade.
 
Chunks of flesh eaten away,
Stands up, the Beast, in a wobbly way.
The Hell’s Serpent constricts from beneath his feet,
Drags him down for his Father’s broth.
 
Lies you, my Lord, within Death’s grasp,
The Empress declares the war won to you.
Peacefully, you fall asleep for eternity,
A smile upon your face.
 
The Empress prays a seat for you in Heaven’s Court,
Takes back your glorious sword as her relic.
Cremates your body upon this war-torn land,
A history to be never subject to oblivion.
 
Comes down from Heaven, the Eternal King,
Down upon the Red Hill.
Annexes your empire to His,
Blesses your soul for afterlife’s journey.
 
Satan looks up at the Eternal King,
Swears vengeance in a soliloquy.
The present’s sunny sky- a canvas,
God smiles and hurls his roaring thunderbolt.
 
-----------X-----------
 

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32 important life lessons from 32 years
Sometimes so many questions accumulate in your head that you just have to find a way to release them. Olesya Novikova, a writer, journalist, blogger, and traveller, recently shared the life lessons which she has discovered over the 32 years of her life so far.Everyone has a fear. Even beautiful, talented, smart, and lucky people. We’re scared to start something new, to go out of our comfort zone, to take a risk, to do something that we never done before. We fear for our families, for our jobs, for our life, and for many other things as well. Fear will always exist. No matter how much experience, confidence, recognition, money or talent you have, you’ll be scared to a greater or lesser degree each time when you conquer a new height or do something new. But this is fine. This means you’re still alive. You have to keep going on. Go through and past your fear, and don’t try to get rid of it.
Changes will keep happening. Stability is illusory. We’re constantly on the move. We keep changing — outwardly and inwardly, and these processes don’t stop even for a second. A sane person doesn’t have the chance to pose the question — to change or not to change? He or she can only answer a different one: ’’Do I have control over these changes that are taking place, and to what extent?’’
’’Quickly’’ means ’’slowly, but without interruption.’’ There’s no need to do something quickly, intensely, or forcefully. Just do it regularly. The most important thing is to keep the rhythm going. Do it little by little, but constantly. And after some time, if you look at it from the outside, it will look like you did it quickly and efficiently.
Create more than you consume.Otherwise, you’ll be left with only a hopeless consumer lifestyle leading to no meaningful conclusion. ’’Everything is good, but there’s nothing good’’. A person must always create something, willingly and with love. This is a formula for good mental health. Curiously, this is the only way to enjoy the pleasure of consumption that won’t destroy the pleasure itself. You can consider this process as a spiritual version of having good metabolism.
Today’’ is what you did and thought yesterday, and ’’tomorrow’’ is what you do and think today. Repeat this phrase like a mantra for as long as you realize that no one else is responsible for the problems you come up against.
There are no guarantees at all. This is a basic rule of the universe which you need to take into account when making all your decisions and preparing all your plans.
The era of sacred knowledge is over.Now, it’s the era of informational hygiene. For several years already, knowledge hasn’t helped any of us achieve anything or attain a meaningful existence. The internet has devalued knowledge. The ability to concentrate on a given task without losing interest is now more important. And this skill is directly affected by the storm of information battering your mind at any given moment. The more verbal ’’garbage’’ is around, the weaker your concentration becomes. The more the thoughts of others circulate in your mind, the harder it is to hear your own voice. The online stream of information weakens your ability to discover yourself.
Joy and pleasure are not the same thing. We never experience real joy while eating a chocolate cake, drinking a glass of wine or smoking a cigarette. We don’t experience joy while buying new shoes or perfume. Let’s call things by their proper names — in these cases, we just get pleasure. And that’s another story. By its nature this feeling is very short-lived, and it’s inextricably linked to further dissatisfaction, boredom, satiety, and the desire for a new portion of pleasure. Don’t be afraid to give up pleasures, be afraid not to experience real joy.Suffering exists. Buddha was right after all. 
Suffering exists. Everybody suffers. Both those who have nothing and those who have everything. Those who don’t suffer in the present will make the transition to a state of pain at a later date. Maybe because of the falling currency or because of a terrorist attack. Maybe because of finding out that someone doesn’t love him or her anymore. Or they’ll get upset because they don’t get a reply to a message they sent, or they don’t earn enough money, or for literally any other reason you can think of. Suffering exists. We will always find a reason to suffer. Just accept it, and do your best to ignore it.
Not everyone can be happy. Can everyone be happy? Yes, sure! But only in theory. In practice, only those who have disciplined their minds can be consistently happy, calm, balanced, and benevolent. Only those whose minds are trained and capable of not worrying about everything around them. Only those who manage to retain a sense of joy not only in agreeable circumstances but also in unpleasant situations. Otherwise, there’s an endless stream of events which will evoke only pain, irritation, and anxiety. And some situations are more serious than others. A person who reacts emotionally to every little incident can never be happy inside.
Joy means retaining a balance in your mind. If somebody had told me this five years ago, I would never have believed it. When you dream all day and night of finding your one true love, creating a family, a well-paid job, an opportunity to work for yourself, to travelk, you think that you know what joy is. At least, what your own joy is. Of course, you can’t always be satisfied with everything. Sometimes you suffer. And this is fine. The most important thing is that you know what to strive for. Looking at your dreams, you realize where your sense of enduring joy comes from. Joy is a state of complete peace of mind, which is achieved by overcoming the blind, automatic reactions of the mind to events. Practising a form of deep meditation is perhaps the only healthy way to discover and attain this state true maturity.
Know the importance of fruit and its physical effects. Fruit is not acidic, it’s alkaline. To divert into science for a second, all kinds of ripe fruit and vegetables have an alkaline reaction, helping to neutralise excess acid in your body. Things like meat, sugar, fat and dairy products have the opposite effect. Not many people know this — try googling it!
’’My body itself knows what is better for it’’ is one of the most insidious mind traps. An alcoholic’s body wants to drink; a smoker’s body dreams of a cigarette; our bodies are always hungry for chocolate and fries. How can the body know what is better? Our minds live by automatic responses that don’t let us make necessary changes; our bodies obey our habits and our chaotic impulses.
Food affects not only your body but also your mind. In the same way that alcohol significantly changes your consciousness, blunting it, certain kinds of food can have a similar effect, but it’s less pronounced and more unconscious. Food can slow down and refocus your thinking process. Moreover, it can weaken your control, your power of awareness, and your clarity of perception. A slightly ’’blurred’’ state of mind becomes a norm for you, so you forget what lightness and clarity actually mean. The most ’’clean’’ kinds of food are fresh fruit, vegetables, cereals, and that which is cooked with a minimum amount of oil, spices, and salt.
You need money only in order not to think about money. Money doesn’t solve the central question of humanity. It don’t make people happy. But the opportunity not to think about money, at least in everyday life, significantly releases energy for something else.
We have more similarities than differences. The value of personal uniqueness is greatly exaggerated. All the answers and solutions have already existed for a long time. In focusing on your own uniqueness, you don’t have the chance to push away your ego and perceive reality with all its real answers.
The best way to stop an addiction is not to have access to the thing your addicted to, at all. It’s impossible to drink one glass of wine if you’re an alcoholic. If you’re trying to quit smoking, you can’t still have a smoke from time to time. You’ll be constantly in a state of mental torture. You’ll go up and down. You’ll always have disruptions. This rule is immutable for all kinds of addiction.
You will never be fully prepared for change. We are never fully prepared for twists of fate or changes. There is always a strong ’’but...’’ and the temptation to postpone changes until a more favorable time. There is no point waiting for complete internal harmony. You just need to make a decision, relying on the thought that ’’it’s high time’’ to get things done.
Life is a book where the first chapters weren’t written by you. Sometimes even the subsequent chapters aren’t either. We’re composed of beliefs and we make up models of the world around us. And this world isn’t just abstract. It’s a concrete office, a house, a street — the places where we spend our life. It’s our friends, colleagues, parents, and the salespeople whom we meet every evening. It’s a news feed on social networks and so-called Facebook friends. We automatically absorb the opinions, positions, and viewpoints of other people. We imbibe them along with the air, regardless of whether we agree with them or not. And when we don’t agree, it’s also a moment of automatic denial. In childhood, this process was completely out of our control. The essence of your personality was forged by other people, and parental input (if it was ever there) wasn’t dominant in this. What and who you consider yourself to be and what you should be afraid to lose, according to some psychologists, is just a mosaic of your environment. There is nothing to lose. Isn’t that great news? At least in that case, you can redraw everything however you like.
A result is a bunch of attempts at something. It’s not a single well-aimed shot. And it’s certainly not just good fortune.
What helped you at one stage may one day prevent you from going on to the next stage. Sometimes it’s important to give up that which has helped you in the past. Here’s an example: rules for small businesses don’t work for huge corporations. It’s impossible to grow without giving up some of the rules, even if they helped you to grow up yesterday. This also applies to your personality, a person’s values, and their plans.
Outside of your comfort zone, there is a discomfort zone. And there’s no flowers and chocolates there. But you have to go there anyway if you want to achieve something.
There is no life without a purpose. The only question is whether you create these purposes yourself or leave it to your instincts to decide them for you.
Laziness doesn’t exist. There are unloved activities, there’s such a thing as a lack of energy and a lack of wide vision and ability to be excited about new perspectives. But there is no such thing as laziness.
You can’t find yourself; you can only create yourself. There is nothing and nobody to look for. You’re always here, in the here and now. Your path is what you have under your feet right now, nothing more — it’s not anywhere else. You can only distinguish between the right path and the wrong one by using your awareness. You pave small, but definite goals. If these goals are determined by others, or if they chaotically grow as a result of duty, it’s not your path. It’s just a bunch of separate episodes of your life.
You don’t need alcohol. At all.
Your unrealized potential will hurt you one day. It’s useless to hide this fact and instead stick inside your comfort zone. As they say, you are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.
Banks should pay you, but not vice versa. This is the only possible way to be financially healthy. Never, never, never buy anything that you haven’t earned enough to pay for. Never. Especially if you want something big. We pay banks not only our money but also our energy. As a result, you don’t have the energy to take that risk and make adventurous plans. Breaking out from such a situation once that decision is taken is hardly going to be possible.
You need to learn how to work under pressure, and how to relax. Every movement requires exertion. If you make this move reluctantly and out of necessity, you’ll spend twice as much energy. In this case, you spend some energy on the physical and mental effort, and the mental stress saps the rest of your energy. That’s why you need to learn how to deal with stress when it appears and how to love it. If you сan put yourself under strain voluntarily, considering it only something positive, you’ll expend much less energy. The second part of success is the ability to relax, to accept things as they are, to let go of your expectations. You can’t move on if you only know how to be stressed, but don’t know how to relax.
’’Yes’’ and ’’no’’ are two answers that you need to learn as soon as possible.Learn how to say ’’yes’’ to situations and people in spite of the absence of guarantees, internal readiness, and changing circumstances. Learn how to say ’’no’’ first of all to yourself: to your weaknesses, your fears, and your selfishness. And only much later, learn how to say ’’no’’ to others.
There’s a difference between great things and good things. The latter you forget about, the former you don’t. A truly creative person is different from someone who simply does his job well. Creators put their tasks above themselves, dissolving their egos in the process. They work consciously and with love, not because of a sense of duty or a lack of choice. A marketer can be a true musician while a proper musician can be just a mediocre craftsman for their entire life.
Every sign that you meet on your way through life can be interpreted in at least three different ways. 1. Maybe this is a real sign! 2. Perhaps there are no signs at all. 3. Maybe this is a test. Maybe fate just attempted to knock you out of your stride by testing the sincerity of your intentions and your decisions.

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इत्तु से पैग़ाम मेरी ज़िंदगी के नाम।

#kalakaksh #nosuicide #story #kahani #nojoto #nojotohindi 

जरा सुनये एक पते की बात,कहानी नहीं हकीकत हैं मेरे साथ।
कुछ 2,3 साल पूरी बात हैं, जिंदगी जी रहा था खुलकर मैं।
सभी के दिलों पर राज करता था,सभी अपनों के मुख से तारीफ़े अपनी सुना था।
तब सब को मेरा नाम पता था अजय पर कोई ये नहीं जानता था कि ये वो ही अजय हैं जिसकी हम तारीफ़े करते नहीं थकते।
कॉलेज का आखरी साल था तब घर में था कोई ,जो भगवान को प्यारा हो गया। महीने  तक पता ना था कि जिंदगी कैसे चले रही हैं। किसी तरह ख़ुद को संभाल कर ,हिम्मत  की, ज़िंदगी पहले की तरह जीने लगा।
चर्चे हर तरह होने लगें थे मेरे, ज़िन्दगी अच्छी चल रही थी। कॉलेज का आखरी साल खत्म होने वाला था exam सर पर थे। exam से एक महीने पहले अचानक आँखों में दर्द होने लगा,इतना जो सहन नहीं होता था। जब भी थोड़ी सी रोशनी आँखों पर पड़ती ,पानी गंगा की तरह बहने लगता था।
तब बस मुझे अंधेरे से प्यार हो गया,रोशनी मुझे बहुत सताती।
दवाईयाँ हज़ार खा ली पर इत्तु सा भी आराम नहीं, जब तक दवाई का असर है तब तक ठीक, असर खत्म होती ही फिर पहले जैसा।
ऐसा मेरे साथ दो महीने चलता रहा।
ऐसी बीच मैंने exam भी दिया,तब मुझे होश नहीं ,कुछ पता नहीं की मैं हूँ कहाँ।
Exam देनी जाता थी तब ये भी याद नहीं होता थी कि मैं जा कहाँ रहा हूँ और कहाँ पहुँच गया।
किसी तरह exam दिये, exam के 1 महीने बाद मेरी आँखें ख़ुद ठीक हो गयी,जैसे कुछ हुआ ही ना हो।


जब result आया तो देखा कि मेरा एक paper रहा गया। अब एक साल क्या करूँगा? ना जाने कैसे कैसे सवाल आये। एक दम सब से मिलना छूट गया,सारा दिन घर रहने लगा।

तब मैंने paper rechecking का form fill किया था। क्योंकि मुझे पक्का पता था कि मेरी re नहीं आ सकती।
Paper recheck में clear हो जायेगा। एक एक पल एक एक दिन की तरह गुजर रहा था,मानो ज़िन्दगी रुक गयी।   मैं depression में चल गया। मुझे बस ये था कि घर बंध कर नहीं रहना हैं ,करना हैं कुछ बड़ा। पर कैसे?
तब मुझे choching के बारे में पता चला ,मैंने फिर choching पर जाना शुरू किया। वहाँ भी नाम कमाया,मेरी पहचान मेरी कलाकारी थी। जहाँ भी जाता वही मेरी कलाकारी  सब को भाटी।
Choching पर जाते जाते,re-checking का result आया ,दुबारा पेपर देना होगा। बुरा तो लगा पर ...........................।


मैंने फिर कोशिश की ,अच्छे से पेपर की तैयारी की और  पेपर दिया। पेपर ऐसा किया थी कि कोई फेल ना कर सकें।

Choching मेरी एक साल की पूरी होने वाली थी कि उसे से कुछ समय पहले result आ गया । result फेल।
बर्दाश्त नहीं हुआ,ऐसा कैसे हो सकता हैं मैं shok, प्रोफेसर shok, parents shok. सभी ऐसा हो ही नहीं सकता, मैंने पेपर निकलवाया। एक महीने के बाद पेपर आया तो देखा कि पेपर सारा सारी ठीक हैं ।check करने वाले ने बिना गलती के no. कम दे रहे है इतना ही नही आधे पेपर में no. नहीं दिया।  तब भी मैंने कोशिश करना नहीं छोड़ा, कोशिश करता रहा।

मैंने अपने सभी प्रोफेसरो को दिखाया। सब की अलग अलग बात थी, कुछ ने कहा इसने कुछ नहीं होगा पेपर की दुबारा तैयारी करो, कुछ ने कहा कि कई बार टीचर सारे no. एक में दे देते हैं। इन्हीं सब बातों में 15 दिन निकल गया । किसी ने कोई help नहीं की। 

माने तब फिर से re-check के form fill कर दिया। जब re-checking का result आया तो फिर से re। मैं यूनिवर्सिटी गया पापा के साथ ,कई दिनों तक चक्कर लगते रहे। यूनिवर्सिटी में मैंने अपना paper सभी को दिखाया, पर वहाँ सब की बोलती बंद थी। बड़े से बड़े प्रोफेसर को दिखाया सब ने कहा ये पास हैं आराम से ।
जानबुझ कर फेल कर रखा हैं ।इन दिनों मैं इतना टूट गया कि कई बार मरने की कोशिश की,road पर चलते चलते ना जाने कितने बार ऐसा करना चाहा। 
पर
mind में बस एक बात थी कि अगर मैंने आज ऐसा किया तो मेरे माँ-बाप का क्या होगा।
 मैंने कोर्ट केस करना चाहता तो यूनिवर्सिटी वालो ने फाइल दबा दी कहा अब टाइम ज्यादा हो गया, हमनें पहले का सारा रिकॉर्ड खत्म कर दिया।
ये बात मई 2017  की है। हर तरह हाथ पैर मारने के बाद भी वही खड़ा था जहाँ पहले खड़ा था। 
इस के बाद मैं इतना टूट गया था की एक एक पल- एक एक दिन की तरह जा रहा था,फिर एक एक week की तरह ,फिर एक एक month की तरह।
बस मुझे इतना याद रहता थी कि आज मंगलवार हैं आज शनिवार हैं मुझे मंदिर जाना हैं बस इससे ज्यादा कुछ नहीं।
ऐसी बीच एक लड़की भी आए थी मेरी लाइफ में । जो कहती थी कि मैं तुम से प्यार करती हूँ तुम्हारे लिए कुछ भी कर सकती हूँ। उस लड़की ने मेरे करिब आकर मुझे इतना पागल कर दिया थी ,ऐसा कर दिया थी कि मुझे ये लगने लगा था कि अब ऐसी से शादी होगी। पर नियति को कुछ और ही मंजूर था।


नवंबर 2017 को मैंने फिर से exam दिया। इस बार मैंने पहले ही सभी प्रोफेसर को बोल दिया था कि ये पेपर अब आप को clear करवाना है। उन्होंने मेरा पूरी मद्दत की।  तब भी मुझे होश नहीं रहता था motivational video हजारों देखी कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता था। इन्हीं दिनों  के बीच मैंने mom-dad को कई बार बोला कि मुझे अब नही जीना हैं ,मुझे मार दो। गुस्से में ना जाने कितने बार कहा। फ़िर एक दिन मैंने yayah bhoot wala की poem सुनी अच्छी लगी , मुझे उसे बारे में सब जाना हैं सारी poem सुनी bt मुझे कुछ और भी चाहते था, सुनते सुनते एक दिन मैंने झुमके वाली की poem सुनी । मुझे इतनी अच्छी लगी कि download कर ली। तब मुझे इस लड़की के बारे में सब जाना था। तब मुझे nojoto के बारे में पता चल और मैंने nojoto डाउनलोड कर लिया। ये बात dec.2017 की हैं।
तब कई बार मैं कॉलेज जाता हैं मेरे प्रोफेसर उन्मेष मिश्रा सर और राजल मैम ने मुझे हिम्मत दी कुछ नया शुरु करने की महीने भर के बाद हिम्मत कर के जनवरी में मैंने illusion art bnana start किया। एक के बाद एक art बनाता गया।
और झुमके वाली की हर बात मेरे खुश रहने की वजह बने लगी थी।
उस वक़्त मैंने अपनी खुशी और अपना दर्द लिखा। मेरे हर दर्द पर मरहम का काम सत्यप्रेम सर ने किया। मेरी हर  nojoto स्टोर जो मैं फेसबुक पर add करता था तब हमेशा msg कर तारिफ करते थे।
और मैं sir को कहता ये सच हैं।
खुद को संभाल ही लिया था कि मुझे पता कि मैं जिस पर आँख बंद कर के विश्वास कर रहा था ,जिससे मैं शादी करना चाहता था उसने ही मुझे धोखा दिया। ये बात मुझे पता चली, सब अपनी आँखों से देखा 12 feb.2018 को । दिल करा की अभी इसको मार दूँ, दो चार थप्पड़ लगाऊ। बहुत ज्यादा गुस्सा आया था पर मैंने ख़ुद को संभाला ,उस वहीँ छोड़ दिया ,कुछ नही कहा उसे। जो हुआ वो सब मैंने अपने खास friends को बताई उन्होंने उसे बात की तब भी अपनी गलती ना देख कर,
मुझे ग़लत और  खुद को सही बनाने लगी और मेरे दोस्तों के सामने मेरे हजार कमियां इस तरह गिनवाए जैसे मैं किसी का खून किया हो,किसी का बलात्कार किया हो। तब दोस्त ने बस एक बात कही मुझे ये की वो तेरे लायक नहीं। मैं खुद को सम्भाल नहीं पा रहा था। 14 feb.2018 को ही मैंने इस बारे में मैंने अपनी राजल mam से बात की जो हिंदी department की h.o.d हैं। उन्होंने मेरा Brain wosh किया। तब याद तो मिट गई पर feeling मुझे बहुत सताती थी।

तब मेरी help सत्यप्रेम sir, love भाई और अनुष्का मैम ने की।
 उसका दिया सब कुछ खत्म कर दिया। पर जनवरी से ही धीरे धीरे मेरे खुश रहने की वजह झुमके वाली बने लगी थी। 15 feb 2018 से लगातार झुमके वाली पर लिखता रहा और साथ illusion art बनाता रहा। march में होली वाले दिन पहले बार मेरी मेरी झुमके वाली से बात हुई।उस दिन मैं बहुत खुश था। अपनी खुशी हर तरह बाँट रहा था। किसी तरह मैं ठीक हुआ। nojoto family का साथ मिला।  पर किस्मत कुछ और चाहती था। exam का result आया फिर से re आई। फिर से पेपर निकलवाने हैं, फिर से सब को दिखाया,फिर से paper दुबारा चेक के लिए form fill किया । बस अब result का इंतज़ार हैं। 
आज भी लड़ रहा हूँ क़िस्मत से, देखना है कब देगी ये क़िस्मत साथ मेरा।

इत्तु से पैग़ाम मेरी ज़िंदगी के नाम।

#kalakaksh #NoSuicide #story #kahani @Nojoto">#@Nojoto @Nojoto">#@Nojotohindi

जरा सुनये एक पते की बात,कहानी नहीं हकीकत हैं मेरे साथ।
कुछ 2,3 साल पूरी बात हैं, जिंदगी जी रहा था खुलकर मैं।
सभी के दिलों पर राज करता था,सभी अपनों के मुख से तारीफ़े अपनी सुना था।
तब सब को मेरा नाम पता था अजय पर कोई ये नहीं जानता था कि ये वो ही अजय हैं जिसकी हम तारीफ़े करते नहीं थकते।
कॉलेज का आखरी साल था तब घर में था कोई ,जो भगवान को प्यारा हो गया। महीने तक पता ना था कि जिंदगी कैसे चले रही हैं। किसी तरह ख़ुद को संभाल कर ,हिम्मत की, ज़िंदगी पहले की तरह जीने लगा।
चर्चे हर तरह होने लगें थे मेरे, ज़िन्दगी अच्छी चल रही थी। कॉलेज का आखरी साल खत्म होने वाला था exam सर पर थे। exam से एक महीने पहले अचानक आँखों में दर्द होने लगा,इतना जो सहन नहीं होता था। जब भी थोड़ी सी रोशनी आँखों पर पड़ती ,पानी गंगा की तरह बहने लगता था।
तब बस मुझे अंधेरे से प्यार हो गया,रोशनी मुझे बहुत सताती।
दवाईयाँ हज़ार खा ली पर इत्तु सा भी आराम नहीं, जब तक दवाई का असर है तब तक ठीक, असर खत्म होती ही फिर पहले जैसा।
ऐसा मेरे साथ दो महीने चलता रहा।
ऐसी बीच मैंने exam भी दिया,तब मुझे होश नहीं ,कुछ पता नहीं की मैं हूँ कहाँ।
Exam देनी जाता थी तब ये भी याद नहीं होता थी कि मैं जा कहाँ रहा हूँ और कहाँ पहुँच गया।
किसी तरह exam दिये, exam के 1 महीने बाद मेरी आँखें ख़ुद ठीक हो गयी,जैसे कुछ हुआ ही ना हो।


जब result आया तो देखा कि मेरा एक paper रहा गया। अब एक साल क्या करूँगा? ना जाने कैसे कैसे सवाल आये। एक दम सब से मिलना छूट गया,सारा दिन घर रहने लगा।

तब मैंने paper rechecking का form fill किया था। क्योंकि मुझे पक्का पता था कि मेरी re नहीं आ सकती।
Paper recheck में clear हो जायेगा। एक एक पल एक एक दिन की तरह गुजर रहा था,मानो ज़िन्दगी रुक गयी। मैं depression में चल गया। मुझे बस ये था कि घर बंध कर नहीं रहना हैं ,करना हैं कुछ बड़ा। पर कैसे?
तब मुझे choching के बारे में पता चला ,मैंने फिर choching पर जाना शुरू किया। वहाँ भी नाम कमाया,मेरी पहचान मेरी कलाकारी थी। जहाँ भी जाता वही मेरी कलाकारी सब को भाटी।
Choching पर जाते जाते,re-checking का result आया ,दुबारा पेपर देना होगा। बुरा तो लगा पर ...........................।


मैंने फिर कोशिश की ,अच्छे से पेपर की तैयारी की और पेपर दिया। पेपर ऐसा किया थी कि कोई फेल ना कर सकें।

Choching मेरी एक साल की पूरी होने वाली थी कि उसे से कुछ समय पहले result आ गया । result फेल।
बर्दाश्त नहीं हुआ,ऐसा कैसे हो सकता हैं मैं shok, प्रोफेसर shok, parents shok. सभी ऐसा हो ही नहीं सकता, मैंने पेपर निकलवाया। एक महीने के बाद पेपर आया तो देखा कि पेपर सारा सारी ठीक हैं ।check करने वाले ने बिना गलती के no. कम दे रहे है इतना ही नही आधे पेपर में no. नहीं दिया। तब भी मैंने कोशिश करना नहीं छोड़ा, कोशिश करता रहा।

मैंने अपने सभी प्रोफेसरो को दिखाया। सब की अलग अलग बात थी, कुछ ने कहा इसने कुछ नहीं होगा पेपर की दुबारा तैयारी करो, कुछ ने कहा कि कई बार टीचर सारे no. एक में दे देते हैं। इन्हीं सब बातों में 15 दिन निकल गया । किसी ने कोई help नहीं की।

माने तब फिर से re-check के form fill कर दिया। जब re-checking का result आया तो फिर से re। मैं यूनिवर्सिटी गया पापा के साथ ,कई दिनों तक चक्कर लगते रहे। यूनिवर्सिटी में मैंने अपना paper सभी को दिखाया, पर वहाँ सब की बोलती बंद थी। बड़े से बड़े प्रोफेसर को दिखाया सब ने कहा ये पास हैं आराम से ।
जानबुझ कर फेल कर रखा हैं ।इन दिनों मैं इतना टूट गया कि कई बार मरने की कोशिश की,road पर चलते चलते ना जाने कितने बार ऐसा करना चाहा।
पर
mind में बस एक बात थी कि अगर मैंने आज ऐसा किया तो मेरे माँ-बाप का क्या होगा।
मैंने कोर्ट केस करना चाहता तो यूनिवर्सिटी वालो ने फाइल दबा दी कहा अब टाइम ज्यादा हो गया, हमनें पहले का सारा रिकॉर्ड खत्म कर दिया।
ये बात मई 2017 की है। हर तरह हाथ पैर मारने के बाद भी वही खड़ा था जहाँ पहले खड़ा था।
इस के बाद मैं इतना टूट गया था की एक एक पल- एक एक दिन की तरह जा रहा था,फिर एक एक week की तरह ,फिर एक एक month की तरह।
बस मुझे इतना याद रहता थी कि आज मंगलवार हैं आज शनिवार हैं मुझे मंदिर जाना हैं बस इससे ज्यादा कुछ नहीं।
ऐसी बीच एक लड़की भी आए थी मेरी लाइफ में । जो कहती थी कि मैं तुम से प्यार करती हूँ तुम्हारे लिए कुछ भी कर सकती हूँ। उस लड़की ने मेरे करिब आकर मुझे इतना पागल कर दिया थी ,ऐसा कर दिया थी कि मुझे ये लगने लगा था कि अब ऐसी से शादी होगी। पर नियति को कुछ और ही मंजूर था।


नवंबर 2017 को मैंने फिर से exam दिया। इस बार मैंने पहले ही सभी प्रोफेसर को बोल दिया था कि ये पेपर अब आप को clear करवाना है। उन्होंने मेरा पूरी मद्दत की। तब भी मुझे होश नहीं रहता था motivational video हजारों देखी कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता था। इन्हीं दिनों के बीच मैंने mom-dad को कई बार बोला कि मुझे अब नही जीना हैं ,मुझे मार दो। गुस्से में ना जाने कितने बार कहा। फ़िर एक दिन मैंने yayah bhoot wala की poem सुनी अच्छी लगी , मुझे उसे बारे में सब जाना हैं सारी poem सुनी bt मुझे कुछ और भी चाहते था, सुनते सुनते एक दिन मैंने झुमके वाली की poem सुनी । मुझे इतनी अच्छी लगी कि download कर ली। तब मुझे इस लड़की के बारे में सब जाना था। तब मुझे nojoto के बारे में पता चल और मैंने nojoto डाउनलोड कर लिया। ये बात dec.2017 की हैं।
तब कई बार मैं कॉलेज जाता हैं मेरे प्रोफेसर उन्मेष मिश्रा सर और राजल मैम ने मुझे हिम्मत दी कुछ नया शुरु करने की महीने भर के बाद हिम्मत कर के जनवरी में मैंने illusion art bnana start किया। एक के बाद एक art बनाता गया।
और झुमके वाली की हर बात मेरे खुश रहने की वजह बने लगी थी।
उस वक़्त मैंने अपनी खुशी और अपना दर्द लिखा। मेरे हर दर्द पर मरहम का काम सत्यप्रेम सर ने किया। मेरी हर nojoto स्टोर जो मैं फेसबुक पर add करता था तब हमेशा msg कर तारिफ करते थे।
और मैं sir को कहता ये सच हैं।
खुद को संभाल ही लिया था कि मुझे पता कि मैं जिस पर आँख बंद कर के विश्वास कर रहा था ,जिससे मैं शादी करना चाहता था उसने ही मुझे धोखा दिया। ये बात मुझे पता चली, सब अपनी आँखों से देखा 12 feb.2018 को । दिल करा की अभी इसको मार दूँ, दो चार थप्पड़ लगाऊ। बहुत ज्यादा गुस्सा आया था पर मैंने ख़ुद को संभाला ,उस वहीँ छोड़ दिया ,कुछ नही कहा उसे। जो हुआ वो सब मैंने अपने खास friends को बताई उन्होंने उसे बात की तब भी अपनी गलती ना देख कर,
मुझे ग़लत और खुद को सही बनाने लगी और मेरे दोस्तों के सामने मेरे हजार कमियां इस तरह गिनवाए जैसे मैं किसी का खून किया हो,किसी का बलात्कार किया हो। तब दोस्त ने बस एक बात कही मुझे ये की वो तेरे लायक नहीं। मैं खुद को सम्भाल नहीं पा रहा था। 14 feb.2018 को ही मैंने इस बारे में मैंने अपनी राजल mam से बात की जो हिंदी department की h.o.d हैं। उन्होंने मेरा Brain wosh किया। तब याद तो मिट गई पर feeling मुझे बहुत सताती थी।

तब मेरी help सत्यप्रेम sir, love भाई और अनुष्का मैम ने की।
उसका दिया सब कुछ खत्म कर दिया। पर जनवरी से ही धीरे धीरे मेरे खुश रहने की वजह झुमके वाली बने लगी थी। 15 feb 2018 से लगातार झुमके वाली पर लिखता रहा और साथ illusion art बनाता रहा। march में होली वाले दिन पहले बार मेरी मेरी झुमके वाली से बात हुई।उस दिन मैं बहुत खुश था। अपनी खुशी हर तरह बाँट रहा था। किसी तरह मैं ठीक हुआ। nojoto family का साथ मिला। पर किस्मत कुछ और चाहती था। exam का result आया फिर से re आई। फिर से पेपर निकलवाने हैं, फिर से सब को दिखाया,फिर से paper दुबारा चेक के लिए form fill किया । बस अब result का इंतज़ार हैं।
आज भी लड़ रहा हूँ क़िस्मत से, देखना है कब देगी ये क़िस्मत साथ मेरा।
@Satyaprem @Nojoto @Love Prashar @Dalchand @Anushka Verma

52 Love

Never In My Wildest Dreams

You came into my world like high beams on some two lane highway in the middle of a desert night; just as I lost the fight between thirty more miles and pulling over for a nap until sunrise. Fracturing my momentary dream into a million pieces of panic and surprise as your light burned through the lids of my eyes and your horn’s noise grabbed at nerves that shook my insides alive.

I remember the giant halo of your glow and light coming head on, the fog in my brain was overwhelming, as muscle memory spurred both hands and they registered on the wheel. My grasp was wrapped tight and pulled sharply, sending me into a wrenching swerve; a sudden desperate attempt to avoid our impending collision, as you careened head long my way. In the moments that came, I couldn’t tell if you were slowing or attempting to avoid the obstruction of my vehicle that had wondered into your lane. I only knew the fear as my life flashed before my frozen, bulging eyes. I felt my knuckles strain, threatening to rip flesh, as they pulled against the tension of my grasp on the wheel.

I remember feeling my knee slam under the dash as terror took me and I over compensated. With pang in knee, I stabbed my foot back down at the break. I remember the feeling of gravity shift as my vehicle began to swerve and my body flatten into the door panel as I began the fight to regain control of my vehicle, careening down that lonely highway.

I remember my body recognized and felt something I couldn’t have truly felt. At least something felt different, this specific time, than any other before or after. Both the fear of loosing control and this new feeling are forever linked somehow. It was something I felt as my shoulder pressed into the drivers side door panel: the feel of the gravel beneath my tires, not in the normal sense of peeling out, or hot rodding around a turn, or when you are navigating a gravel incline and a tire slips, spinning a bit. But, I remember feeling every, single, piece, of gravel, as my tires slid over them, like they were brail desperately attempting to be read by someone with an untrained hand.

And suddenly, I remember, I was fighting gravity to avoid being thrown into the empty passenger seat next to me; with the dutiful assistance of my seat belt I remained square in seat. By this point my perspiration was beading at my brow and my palms were slick and damp. The smell filling my nose was terrible: rubber skidding across tar and the metal chemical burn of clutch mixed with burning metallic fumes of locked, red hot breaks. The noxious smoke produced from the instant tire tread wear of tires attempting to grapple with the texture of pavement at sixty miles per hour and the dust thrown up from the narrow desert road was thick in the air as my vehicle began to spin violently. This must have been one of my wildest dreams.

Your tail lights passed by my view out the front windshield a few times before I came to a slow, lazy roll backwards, eventually coming to a halt on the pavement; vision now dizzy and disoriented. My motion had not stopped however. The spinning had turned my head into one of those twirling carnival rides and transformed my extremities into shaking nerve noodles, who’s vibration emanated from my core.

Regaining my composure, I found myself immediately worried about who I had almost collided with and what state they were in; my concern seemingly met with reply as your hazard lights lit up from the tail lights of your vehicle ahead. I remember blood pumping in my temples as I raced toward your vehicle, grateful to be alive, and grateful you were still on the road and in one piece as well. Closing the distance to your flashing hazards just hoping you were okay. I felt embarrassed and foolish for putting myself, and you, at risk not stopping a few miles back. I prayed you were not scared or upset with me. Not knowing what to expect as I slowed to a jog nearing your vehicle, I took in the details of the multiple spins my vehicle completed as it whipped round and round directly down the center of the highway. I took in the sight of fresh tread on the pavement left by my tires, scrawled like a signature of some artist signing their work of near miss.

I remember as I looked up again to where your vehicle had come to a stop, that you too where now running my direction. As we approached each other I could tell we both did a quick visual assessment of each other, our vehicles, the tire tread scrawl on the road. We asked each other if the other was okay and learned no harm had come to the other other than shaken nerves and a bit of embarrassment on my part.

I remember hearing your laugh for the first time as we sat on the side of that highway in the middle of the night and lost track of time. We talked about everything, and nothing, as we watched the stars and smiled at each other honestly. Morning came faster than either of us expected announcing it’s a rival gloriously. The sunrise was exceptionally beautiful that morning. As we peacefully watched, finally pausing in conversation for the first time since we met, we took in it’s orange, blue, yellow, and pink shifting colors sharing glances at each other now and then, smiles and blushing cheeks as we did.

As the morning sun’s heat set upon our skin and the brightness of the desert view began to become overwhelming you turned to me with a smile. I remember taking your business card and the electricity fire through my fingertips as our hands touched for the first time.

Your touch felt so exotic then, like some distant land I had read a million books about and knew every detail of but had only learned from in the texts written in those pages. I imagine I looked like an adventurer, captivated and in awe, as they stepped of an old steam engine train onto a new landscape. Amusing the locals watching a new traveler standing starstruck seeing, smelling, and feeling the foreign environment they had read so much about but were only experiencing in person for the first time.

As I put your business card into my wallet, so many unknown feelings and pressing questions that I wanted to ask you were coming to my head fighting each other for place in line and internally pleading for one more second of your time. They were interrupted by one major new question I hadn’t considered so distracted by my internal conflict.

When would I would see you again? This question was followed by an even larger: Would I see you again? I was so caught off guard at their staggering weight I remember feeling intimidated by how much it meant to me. I chickened out. I didn’t ask and though in that moment didn’t know what to do with myself, or my shaken emotions, as we said our good byes.

Before you turned to depart I managed to make sure you too had my number and awkwardly, shuffled back, half facing you, half trying to walk away. I could tell you noticed in the words your smile always seemed to hold.

I remember you driving away and the stress I felt realizing we were going in opposite directions for the first time since we met and how something immediately felt missing in my world. I remember kicking myself not wanting to end up just some guy who you met and called you down the road or being just a story of a time you almost got hit head on by some guy in the middle a desert one night. A bit late, but just in time, I buckled my seat belt and decided not to become that guy. I threw my vehicle in drive and accelerated after you. Headed in your direction for the first time.

My heart raced as I drove fast to catch up to your vehicle once again and as I pulled up behind you, obnoxiously got your attention with my horn and the flashing of my lights. I couldn’t believe I had chased after you like a crazy! What would you think of this? Was I crazy?

As you stepped out of your vehicle your beauty was staggering and I confidently acknowledged, almost applauded myself; I had made the right decision. I jogged up to you on the pavement of that two lane highway and blurted out “When will I see you again?!”. Your laugh told me everything as it often did, I would learn.

I canceling my plans, my new job would have to wait, or I’d find a new one when I got to my destination. I suddenly had you placed at the center of my life’s main screen and didn’t for one second consider what else was on outside in my periphery. Everything seemed like it mattered just a little bit less than the focus my mind found when trained on you. I spent the day with you, headed in your direction. We played, both lost in the world together, on a new adventure, and loving every moment of it.

By that evening I was already in love, and knew it as for the first time I watched the sunset reflect forever in your eyes. I will never in my wildest dreams forget your smile when I admitted my love to you as we watched those stars again, together, that second night.

I also remember how we really met, and this isn’t it! Not even close! But it sure could have been. I mean, some things are similar to how we met all those years ago. You do remember don’t you?

The night we first met we were hurling in each other’s direction at a million miles per hour and barely missed colliding. That near miss put us into permanent dance as we orbited each other - dancing in and out of each other’s life, always friends, lovers, strangers, family; whatever we needed to be for the other at that specific moment in time. The first night we met I knew I had met the most amazing woman and I couldn’t believe that I had finally found you; never in my wildest dreams did I think you were really out there.

We did watch the stars and talked until the sun came up. We also spent the next day playing together and I really did watch the sunset reflect forever in your eyes. I did fall in love with you, only immediately, almost at first sight.

My love switch flipped the very moment you said “Hiiii” that way you did. Your mysterious brown eyes - strands coloring them wonderful, as your cheeks smiled for days. They reached into me latching onto my heart and I did not resist the comfort of your grasp. There was just something so familiar in the way you drew me in and made a place for me in your world. I felt like I had seen this smile of yours before somewhere and it belonged right after that “Hiiii”, and right in front of me. There was also something so familiar in the way you said my name, always smiling, you giggled a lot more back then.

I chased after you and that smile, following the echoes of that giggle from that moment on without any regret and loved every moment you chased me back laughing as we played. I remember how grateful I was getting to know you, and how grateful I always will be to have spent all the moments we shared through the years, building our story. The rest of that story and how we really first met is ours. A story to be remembered another time I think.


I remember the many other things that are similar in the story I have told but happened completely differently, to a completely different moment, in a completely different part of our story that I’d like to share in this letter to you. I think it is supposed to help...telling you these things, we always shared our deepest feelings with each other and It’s hard holding them all by myself. I’m working on it, love, I promised. Writing these letters to you and the chapters of our time together contained within.
In this part of our story, the true part of this story, and part of our chapters I’m sharing in this letter is a moment where I remember a collision that happened head on and it all started with a phone call.

I remember we were both asleep at the wheel and wholly unprepared as I raced down the highway to you. I remember how sudden the impact came after I reached your side. I remember the pain and jarring as your light in my world, that light that engulfed my vision completely, was in a moment no longer present. I remember my confusion as my momentum came to a complete, and immediate, stop. I remember that I didn’t even have time to scream or brace myself as everything in my world shattered in a devastating explosion and all it’s shiny pieces showered into the air around me. I remember that I didn’t even have both hands on the wheel as my life turned upside down. I remember that there was no seat belt to fasten me in as my breath choked in my throat, stalled, as if suspended mid air.

I remember the look, taste, sound, smell, touch, and feeling of every, single, thing, in that hospital room. I remember the smell of my tears in your hair. I remember how soft your skin was and that your fingernails were not painted like they normally were as I held your hand. I remember the feeling of my nerves as they achieved complete pandaemonium within me. I remember I was trembling as I struggled to breath between crying, then breathing, then crying, tasting the snot running from my nose mixed with the salt that clung to my face as I sat at your side. I remember hearing the sobs in the room as your heart rate monitor stopped blinking. I remember that exact moment you left me. I remember all of the feelings I felt at that moment as my emotions burned deep within and imprinted them as if by brand, permanently emblazoned on my soul. I remember not having the words for them then and I still do not have words for them now.

I remember every single detail, reflected in the pieces of my world as they crashed to the polished surface of the tiny room’s grey and white checkered tile floor. I remember that for the first time in a long time we were no longer running toward each other, or in the same direction together, and you weren’t there to make sure I was okay. I remember praying that you would be okay but my heart didn’t hear the echo of yours anymore to be sure. I remember hoping you were not lonely just minutes after you left and began crying: differently, because I didn’t know how to be there for you like I promised I always would be. I remember wanting so badly to chase after you, especially in the months that followed your funeral to keep that promise I made. I remember wanting to make sure you weren’t alone and be by your side as you took off on this new adventure to make sure you got under way okay. I remember trying to lighten my mood and joke about you making a new friend jealous, telling them about a guy that loved you unconditionally in another life. But, I remembered I could not chase you this time; I couldn’t be there to hold you if you happened to fall in love with him and he broke your heart. There was no catching up to you minutes down the road, just to see your smile again and hear you laugh at me for being silly. There was no way to pick you up off the ground and piece your heart back together with pieces of mine if it was broken this time.

I can only hope you receive all the letters like this one and that you are able to answer my call when I get home. We can meet in the middle of some two lane highway in the clouds, talking about life down below, or everything, or nothing, and laugh at the concept of time.

I can’t wait for that moment I see you again and we can remember all the years since the night we first met and remind each other how that story really went. I want so badly to be reminded exactly how it feels seeing the sunset reflect forever in your eyes like I used to.

I remember you every single day and wrote this letter to remind you: that more than anything, I patiently wait to learn how we finish our story, because never in my wildest dreams, could these stars be as beautiful as I remember, all those moments, I spent watching them with you.

10 Love
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#mylove

THE RED HILL’S KING
 
Rise, O Red Hill’s King!
Prep your armies vast.
The demon horde conches the music o’ war.
Here arrives the beastly Son of Satan from South.
 
Your wicked Queen ran away,
Dealt your ancestral Holy Casket to the Beast.
The dark prodigy advances,
An ambition to annex your empire with Hell.
 
Why you drink now, my Lord?
This ain’t no cause of revel, you imbecile.
The royal sages forewarned,
Yet had no impact on your head.
 
O there he comes,
There they lay, your murdered guards.
Red Hill’s besieged,
Enters the Beast in your Royal Court.
 
 
Stomps and shatters your Holy Casket,
Stomps and shatters your peace.
Down on your knees you beg mercy,
Yet Ares directs to war.
 
Draws your sword from your scabbard
And strikes it at the Beast’s belly.
Stands, he, unscathed
And you, my Lord, in horror.
 
Gropes, he, from your hair
And drags you out on battlefield.
The ghastly battalion awaits,
For a sacrifice to Satan’s broth.
 
Your General marches forth aside,
Your army fearlessly behind,
You slice your sword at the Beast’s wrist
And you join your forces to command.
 
The gruesome clash begins,
A battle of Herculean might.
Fearlessly ride, you,
Slaying the monsters of the Beast.
 
Down goes your tower,
Down goes your castle to ruination.
Demonic catapults fire upon your army,
Diminishing your numbers’ might.
 
Unaffected, you charge,
Take the demon Beast head on.
Your General rides along with you,
Your most loyal warrior, a true Lancelot.
 
Down falls your number vast,
Down falls the Beast’s horde,
Your General trips down the usurper,
You strike his chest and splice his heart out.
 
Falls the Beast silent,
Drained off his flesh and blood.
You raise your sword sky-high,
The demon horde bewildered.
 
Retreats down the Hill,
The mighty usurper’s forces,
Take your sword to your reliquary,
A blade carrying the Beast’s heart.
 
Replace your Holy Casket with it,
Display your glory;
Head back to your throne,
And reclaim your inner peace.
 
Rebuilds your castle, brick-by-brick,
Regains your kingdom’s might.
Yet peace is afar,
For the fugitives still revolt.
 
Your remainder army suppresses them,
You rule your kingdom,
But the sky grows dark again,
A new struggle dawns.
 
Enters your General in Royal Court,
Speaks well of you from the commoner’s mouth.
Self’s glory lost amidst,
Exits the Court, this Machiavellian.
 
Enters the reliquary, this fallen comrade,
Takes your glorious blade
And dips the Beast’s heart
In the raging Satan’s flame.
 
Places the burning heart, he,
Into the bony ribs of imprisoned Beast’s remains.
Monster is revived,
A scion of Hell’s vengeance.
 
Rises the Devil Beast,
Snaps the neck of your General, my Lord.
Rises, he, from his dingy cell,
Into his ethereal form.
 
Burns a hole in your castle’s foundation,
Brings it down brick-for-brick.
A quake shakes the ground he walks,
Raises back his army, undead.
 
The demon ghouls march forth,
Revived under their commander,
Numbers regained.
A multitude of Death.
 
Your demeanour broken, my Lord,
Your numbers spent.
Your castle crumbles,
Your kingdom in mortal peril.
 
Ride out, you, to the battlefield,
With your remaining cavalry.
Infantry armed by your inspiration,
And scantily by armour and weapons.
 
Drawn close to each other,
The Beast and you;
A word to propagate upon,
Before the climactic bloodshed.
 
Beast: “Surrender, Red Hill’s King.
Naught hath happened irrevocable.
Surrender thee, and I
Shall make thee, my well-paid herald.”
 
King: “Nay! Thy fiery demon.
Pierce my bosom’s heart,
Mutilate my corpse!
The soul within shall reunite with the Holy Kingdom!”
 
Angrily, the Beast replies:
“Father Satan shall hath
Thy soul as his broth!”
And swings his mace down upon the King.
 
The Red Hill’s King with all his might,
Blocks the charge with his sword.
“Charge!” says you, my Lord,
And your loyal army advances to war.
 
The epic clash begins,
The gruesome war ensues,
Your numbers fully spent,
You retreat to your ruins.
 
Afraid and wounded, you flee,
Sends your last man to West.
Finds a cavern deep below
The ruins of your castle, to hide.
 
Marches forth the Beast
To your hideout.
Pulls you out like a worm from ground,
Drags you back, you cowardly wretch.
 
Tosses you in front of himself,
Orders his ghoulish force at halt.
Challenges your might, your glory,
In a head-on duel.
 
You arm yourself with your renowned blade,
The Beast with his fiery mace.
Prance upon one-another,
To decide this Age’s fate.
 
Valour you show, O mighty Red Hill’s Lord,
But your courage has no impact upon the Beast.
Every scar, every strain upon his body,
Brings you close to Hell’s wrath.
 
Has had enough antics, the Beast,
Strikes you with his mighty mace,
Your armour saves your bosom,
Yet you cough out blood.
 
Strikes, he, down his mace again,
Down upon your back.
You eat the dirt of your soil,
Adulterated by your royal blood.
 
Weary and wounded you lie,
Puddle of blood on the ground.
Choked by your final breaths,
Await you, my Lord, for Hades to embrace you.
 
Mercilessly beats the Beast, you,
No force against him standing.
The conch shells blow again,
Atop the Western hill.
 
The royal army stands firm,
Led by the Empress of West.
War-elephants, cavalry, infantry; all present,
Awaiting their Queen’s express command.
 
The Beast halts his shower of brutality,
Stares determined upon the Empress.
Her army marches forth,
To settle this Age’s final score.
 
The pace quickens of the Empress’ army,
Their cavalry gallops down with vigour.
The pace quickens of the ghoulish army,
All set for Hell’s sacrilege.
 
You, my Lord, find your humungous trumpet,
In the wreckage of your castle,
Makes it massive blow heard to all,
Your final battle cry.
 
The demons and the royals clash,
The Beast takes on the Empress.
So graceful and glorious is she,
Her legends come true to witness.
 
Slices clean the Beast’s legs,
Slices clean his abdomen in upper cut.
The Beast taken aback,
Continues to challenge her glory.
 
Makes their way down, the Empress’ war chariots,
Downhill with their bladed wheels.
Cuts the ghouls in pieces many,
Until the Beast stands solitary.
 
O Red Hill’s King, you
Grab a bow and arrow.
The string pulled with all your strength,
For one last of your move.
 
The Empress knocks down the Beast,
Stabs her blade in his chest.
You, my Lord, fire your arrow,
And blind this raging bull.
 
Drained, you fall incapacitated,
Yet the Beast rises again.
The sky echoes ferocious roars,
Fly down the Royal Winged-Lions of East.
 
Land and prance upon the Beast, they
Gnaw him to his bone.
Their sharp sabres dug in,
More effective than a mortal blade.
 
Chunks of flesh eaten away,
Stands up, the Beast, in a wobbly way.
The Hell’s Serpent constricts from beneath his feet,
Drags him down for his Father’s broth.
 
Lies you, my Lord, within Death’s grasp,
The Empress declares the war won to you.
Peacefully, you fall asleep for eternity,
A smile upon your face.
 
The Empress prays a seat for you in Heaven’s Court,
Takes back your glorious sword as her relic.
Cremates your body upon this war-torn land,
A history to be never subject to oblivion.
 
Comes down from Heaven, the Eternal King,
Down upon the Red Hill.
Annexes your empire to His,
Blesses your soul for afterlife’s journey.
 
Satan looks up at the Eternal King,
Swears vengeance in a soliloquy.
The present’s sunny sky- a canvas,
God smiles and hurls his roaring thunderbolt.
 
-----------X-----------
 

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32 important life lessons from 32 years
Sometimes so many questions accumulate in your head that you just have to find a way to release them. Olesya Novikova, a writer, journalist, blogger, and traveller, recently shared the life lessons which she has discovered over the 32 years of her life so far.Everyone has a fear. Even beautiful, talented, smart, and lucky people. We’re scared to start something new, to go out of our comfort zone, to take a risk, to do something that we never done before. We fear for our families, for our jobs, for our life, and for many other things as well. Fear will always exist. No matter how much experience, confidence, recognition, money or talent you have, you’ll be scared to a greater or lesser degree each time when you conquer a new height or do something new. But this is fine. This means you’re still alive. You have to keep going on. Go through and past your fear, and don’t try to get rid of it.
Changes will keep happening. Stability is illusory. We’re constantly on the move. We keep changing — outwardly and inwardly, and these processes don’t stop even for a second. A sane person doesn’t have the chance to pose the question — to change or not to change? He or she can only answer a different one: ’’Do I have control over these changes that are taking place, and to what extent?’’
’’Quickly’’ means ’’slowly, but without interruption.’’ There’s no need to do something quickly, intensely, or forcefully. Just do it regularly. The most important thing is to keep the rhythm going. Do it little by little, but constantly. And after some time, if you look at it from the outside, it will look like you did it quickly and efficiently.
Create more than you consume.Otherwise, you’ll be left with only a hopeless consumer lifestyle leading to no meaningful conclusion. ’’Everything is good, but there’s nothing good’’. A person must always create something, willingly and with love. This is a formula for good mental health. Curiously, this is the only way to enjoy the pleasure of consumption that won’t destroy the pleasure itself. You can consider this process as a spiritual version of having good metabolism.
Today’’ is what you did and thought yesterday, and ’’tomorrow’’ is what you do and think today. Repeat this phrase like a mantra for as long as you realize that no one else is responsible for the problems you come up against.
There are no guarantees at all. This is a basic rule of the universe which you need to take into account when making all your decisions and preparing all your plans.
The era of sacred knowledge is over.Now, it’s the era of informational hygiene. For several years already, knowledge hasn’t helped any of us achieve anything or attain a meaningful existence. The internet has devalued knowledge. The ability to concentrate on a given task without losing interest is now more important. And this skill is directly affected by the storm of information battering your mind at any given moment. The more verbal ’’garbage’’ is around, the weaker your concentration becomes. The more the thoughts of others circulate in your mind, the harder it is to hear your own voice. The online stream of information weakens your ability to discover yourself.
Joy and pleasure are not the same thing. We never experience real joy while eating a chocolate cake, drinking a glass of wine or smoking a cigarette. We don’t experience joy while buying new shoes or perfume. Let’s call things by their proper names — in these cases, we just get pleasure. And that’s another story. By its nature this feeling is very short-lived, and it’s inextricably linked to further dissatisfaction, boredom, satiety, and the desire for a new portion of pleasure. Don’t be afraid to give up pleasures, be afraid not to experience real joy.Suffering exists. Buddha was right after all. 
Suffering exists. Everybody suffers. Both those who have nothing and those who have everything. Those who don’t suffer in the present will make the transition to a state of pain at a later date. Maybe because of the falling currency or because of a terrorist attack. Maybe because of finding out that someone doesn’t love him or her anymore. Or they’ll get upset because they don’t get a reply to a message they sent, or they don’t earn enough money, or for literally any other reason you can think of. Suffering exists. We will always find a reason to suffer. Just accept it, and do your best to ignore it.
Not everyone can be happy. Can everyone be happy? Yes, sure! But only in theory. In practice, only those who have disciplined their minds can be consistently happy, calm, balanced, and benevolent. Only those whose minds are trained and capable of not worrying about everything around them. Only those who manage to retain a sense of joy not only in agreeable circumstances but also in unpleasant situations. Otherwise, there’s an endless stream of events which will evoke only pain, irritation, and anxiety. And some situations are more serious than others. A person who reacts emotionally to every little incident can never be happy inside.
Joy means retaining a balance in your mind. If somebody had told me this five years ago, I would never have believed it. When you dream all day and night of finding your one true love, creating a family, a well-paid job, an opportunity to work for yourself, to travelk, you think that you know what joy is. At least, what your own joy is. Of course, you can’t always be satisfied with everything. Sometimes you suffer. And this is fine. The most important thing is that you know what to strive for. Looking at your dreams, you realize where your sense of enduring joy comes from. Joy is a state of complete peace of mind, which is achieved by overcoming the blind, automatic reactions of the mind to events. Practising a form of deep meditation is perhaps the only healthy way to discover and attain this state true maturity.
Know the importance of fruit and its physical effects. Fruit is not acidic, it’s alkaline. To divert into science for a second, all kinds of ripe fruit and vegetables have an alkaline reaction, helping to neutralise excess acid in your body. Things like meat, sugar, fat and dairy products have the opposite effect. Not many people know this — try googling it!
’’My body itself knows what is better for it’’ is one of the most insidious mind traps. An alcoholic’s body wants to drink; a smoker’s body dreams of a cigarette; our bodies are always hungry for chocolate and fries. How can the body know what is better? Our minds live by automatic responses that don’t let us make necessary changes; our bodies obey our habits and our chaotic impulses.
Food affects not only your body but also your mind. In the same way that alcohol significantly changes your consciousness, blunting it, certain kinds of food can have a similar effect, but it’s less pronounced and more unconscious. Food can slow down and refocus your thinking process. Moreover, it can weaken your control, your power of awareness, and your clarity of perception. A slightly ’’blurred’’ state of mind becomes a norm for you, so you forget what lightness and clarity actually mean. The most ’’clean’’ kinds of food are fresh fruit, vegetables, cereals, and that which is cooked with a minimum amount of oil, spices, and salt.
You need money only in order not to think about money. Money doesn’t solve the central question of humanity. It don’t make people happy. But the opportunity not to think about money, at least in everyday life, significantly releases energy for something else.
We have more similarities than differences. The value of personal uniqueness is greatly exaggerated. All the answers and solutions have already existed for a long time. In focusing on your own uniqueness, you don’t have the chance to push away your ego and perceive reality with all its real answers.
The best way to stop an addiction is not to have access to the thing your addicted to, at all. It’s impossible to drink one glass of wine if you’re an alcoholic. If you’re trying to quit smoking, you can’t still have a smoke from time to time. You’ll be constantly in a state of mental torture. You’ll go up and down. You’ll always have disruptions. This rule is immutable for all kinds of addiction.
You will never be fully prepared for change. We are never fully prepared for twists of fate or changes. There is always a strong ’’but...’’ and the temptation to postpone changes until a more favorable time. There is no point waiting for complete internal harmony. You just need to make a decision, relying on the thought that ’’it’s high time’’ to get things done.
Life is a book where the first chapters weren’t written by you. Sometimes even the subsequent chapters aren’t either. We’re composed of beliefs and we make up models of the world around us. And this world isn’t just abstract. It’s a concrete office, a house, a street — the places where we spend our life. It’s our friends, colleagues, parents, and the salespeople whom we meet every evening. It’s a news feed on social networks and so-called Facebook friends. We automatically absorb the opinions, positions, and viewpoints of other people. We imbibe them along with the air, regardless of whether we agree with them or not. And when we don’t agree, it’s also a moment of automatic denial. In childhood, this process was completely out of our control. The essence of your personality was forged by other people, and parental input (if it was ever there) wasn’t dominant in this. What and who you consider yourself to be and what you should be afraid to lose, according to some psychologists, is just a mosaic of your environment. There is nothing to lose. Isn’t that great news? At least in that case, you can redraw everything however you like.
A result is a bunch of attempts at something. It’s not a single well-aimed shot. And it’s certainly not just good fortune.
What helped you at one stage may one day prevent you from going on to the next stage. Sometimes it’s important to give up that which has helped you in the past. Here’s an example: rules for small businesses don’t work for huge corporations. It’s impossible to grow without giving up some of the rules, even if they helped you to grow up yesterday. This also applies to your personality, a person’s values, and their plans.
Outside of your comfort zone, there is a discomfort zone. And there’s no flowers and chocolates there. But you have to go there anyway if you want to achieve something.
There is no life without a purpose. The only question is whether you create these purposes yourself or leave it to your instincts to decide them for you.
Laziness doesn’t exist. There are unloved activities, there’s such a thing as a lack of energy and a lack of wide vision and ability to be excited about new perspectives. But there is no such thing as laziness.
You can’t find yourself; you can only create yourself. There is nothing and nobody to look for. You’re always here, in the here and now. Your path is what you have under your feet right now, nothing more — it’s not anywhere else. You can only distinguish between the right path and the wrong one by using your awareness. You pave small, but definite goals. If these goals are determined by others, or if they chaotically grow as a result of duty, it’s not your path. It’s just a bunch of separate episodes of your life.
You don’t need alcohol. At all.
Your unrealized potential will hurt you one day. It’s useless to hide this fact and instead stick inside your comfort zone. As they say, you are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.
Banks should pay you, but not vice versa. This is the only possible way to be financially healthy. Never, never, never buy anything that you haven’t earned enough to pay for. Never. Especially if you want something big. We pay banks not only our money but also our energy. As a result, you don’t have the energy to take that risk and make adventurous plans. Breaking out from such a situation once that decision is taken is hardly going to be possible.
You need to learn how to work under pressure, and how to relax. Every movement requires exertion. If you make this move reluctantly and out of necessity, you’ll spend twice as much energy. In this case, you spend some energy on the physical and mental effort, and the mental stress saps the rest of your energy. That’s why you need to learn how to deal with stress when it appears and how to love it. If you сan put yourself under strain voluntarily, considering it only something positive, you’ll expend much less energy. The second part of success is the ability to relax, to accept things as they are, to let go of your expectations. You can’t move on if you only know how to be stressed, but don’t know how to relax.
’’Yes’’ and ’’no’’ are two answers that you need to learn as soon as possible.Learn how to say ’’yes’’ to situations and people in spite of the absence of guarantees, internal readiness, and changing circumstances. Learn how to say ’’no’’ first of all to yourself: to your weaknesses, your fears, and your selfishness. And only much later, learn how to say ’’no’’ to others.
There’s a difference between great things and good things. The latter you forget about, the former you don’t. A truly creative person is different from someone who simply does his job well. Creators put their tasks above themselves, dissolving their egos in the process. They work consciously and with love, not because of a sense of duty or a lack of choice. A marketer can be a true musician while a proper musician can be just a mediocre craftsman for their entire life.
Every sign that you meet on your way through life can be interpreted in at least three different ways. 1. Maybe this is a real sign! 2. Perhaps there are no signs at all. 3. Maybe this is a test. Maybe fate just attempted to knock you out of your stride by testing the sincerity of your intentions and your decisions.

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इत्तु से पैग़ाम मेरी ज़िंदगी के नाम।

#kalakaksh #nosuicide #story #kahani #nojoto #nojotohindi 

जरा सुनये एक पते की बात,कहानी नहीं हकीकत हैं मेरे साथ।
कुछ 2,3 साल पूरी बात हैं, जिंदगी जी रहा था खुलकर मैं।
सभी के दिलों पर राज करता था,सभी अपनों के मुख से तारीफ़े अपनी सुना था।
तब सब को मेरा नाम पता था अजय पर कोई ये नहीं जानता था कि ये वो ही अजय हैं जिसकी हम तारीफ़े करते नहीं थकते।
कॉलेज का आखरी साल था तब घर में था कोई ,जो भगवान को प्यारा हो गया। महीने  तक पता ना था कि जिंदगी कैसे चले रही हैं। किसी तरह ख़ुद को संभाल कर ,हिम्मत  की, ज़िंदगी पहले की तरह जीने लगा।
चर्चे हर तरह होने लगें थे मेरे, ज़िन्दगी अच्छी चल रही थी। कॉलेज का आखरी साल खत्म होने वाला था exam सर पर थे। exam से एक महीने पहले अचानक आँखों में दर्द होने लगा,इतना जो सहन नहीं होता था। जब भी थोड़ी सी रोशनी आँखों पर पड़ती ,पानी गंगा की तरह बहने लगता था।
तब बस मुझे अंधेरे से प्यार हो गया,रोशनी मुझे बहुत सताती।
दवाईयाँ हज़ार खा ली पर इत्तु सा भी आराम नहीं, जब तक दवाई का असर है तब तक ठीक, असर खत्म होती ही फिर पहले जैसा।
ऐसा मेरे साथ दो महीने चलता रहा।
ऐसी बीच मैंने exam भी दिया,तब मुझे होश नहीं ,कुछ पता नहीं की मैं हूँ कहाँ।
Exam देनी जाता थी तब ये भी याद नहीं होता थी कि मैं जा कहाँ रहा हूँ और कहाँ पहुँच गया।
किसी तरह exam दिये, exam के 1 महीने बाद मेरी आँखें ख़ुद ठीक हो गयी,जैसे कुछ हुआ ही ना हो।


जब result आया तो देखा कि मेरा एक paper रहा गया। अब एक साल क्या करूँगा? ना जाने कैसे कैसे सवाल आये। एक दम सब से मिलना छूट गया,सारा दिन घर रहने लगा।

तब मैंने paper rechecking का form fill किया था। क्योंकि मुझे पक्का पता था कि मेरी re नहीं आ सकती।
Paper recheck में clear हो जायेगा। एक एक पल एक एक दिन की तरह गुजर रहा था,मानो ज़िन्दगी रुक गयी।   मैं depression में चल गया। मुझे बस ये था कि घर बंध कर नहीं रहना हैं ,करना हैं कुछ बड़ा। पर कैसे?
तब मुझे choching के बारे में पता चला ,मैंने फिर choching पर जाना शुरू किया। वहाँ भी नाम कमाया,मेरी पहचान मेरी कलाकारी थी। जहाँ भी जाता वही मेरी कलाकारी  सब को भाटी।
Choching पर जाते जाते,re-checking का result आया ,दुबारा पेपर देना होगा। बुरा तो लगा पर ...........................।


मैंने फिर कोशिश की ,अच्छे से पेपर की तैयारी की और  पेपर दिया। पेपर ऐसा किया थी कि कोई फेल ना कर सकें।

Choching मेरी एक साल की पूरी होने वाली थी कि उसे से कुछ समय पहले result आ गया । result फेल।
बर्दाश्त नहीं हुआ,ऐसा कैसे हो सकता हैं मैं shok, प्रोफेसर shok, parents shok. सभी ऐसा हो ही नहीं सकता, मैंने पेपर निकलवाया। एक महीने के बाद पेपर आया तो देखा कि पेपर सारा सारी ठीक हैं ।check करने वाले ने बिना गलती के no. कम दे रहे है इतना ही नही आधे पेपर में no. नहीं दिया।  तब भी मैंने कोशिश करना नहीं छोड़ा, कोशिश करता रहा।

मैंने अपने सभी प्रोफेसरो को दिखाया। सब की अलग अलग बात थी, कुछ ने कहा इसने कुछ नहीं होगा पेपर की दुबारा तैयारी करो, कुछ ने कहा कि कई बार टीचर सारे no. एक में दे देते हैं। इन्हीं सब बातों में 15 दिन निकल गया । किसी ने कोई help नहीं की। 

माने तब फिर से re-check के form fill कर दिया। जब re-checking का result आया तो फिर से re। मैं यूनिवर्सिटी गया पापा के साथ ,कई दिनों तक चक्कर लगते रहे। यूनिवर्सिटी में मैंने अपना paper सभी को दिखाया, पर वहाँ सब की बोलती बंद थी। बड़े से बड़े प्रोफेसर को दिखाया सब ने कहा ये पास हैं आराम से ।
जानबुझ कर फेल कर रखा हैं ।इन दिनों मैं इतना टूट गया कि कई बार मरने की कोशिश की,road पर चलते चलते ना जाने कितने बार ऐसा करना चाहा। 
पर
mind में बस एक बात थी कि अगर मैंने आज ऐसा किया तो मेरे माँ-बाप का क्या होगा।
 मैंने कोर्ट केस करना चाहता तो यूनिवर्सिटी वालो ने फाइल दबा दी कहा अब टाइम ज्यादा हो गया, हमनें पहले का सारा रिकॉर्ड खत्म कर दिया।
ये बात मई 2017  की है। हर तरह हाथ पैर मारने के बाद भी वही खड़ा था जहाँ पहले खड़ा था। 
इस के बाद मैं इतना टूट गया था की एक एक पल- एक एक दिन की तरह जा रहा था,फिर एक एक week की तरह ,फिर एक एक month की तरह।
बस मुझे इतना याद रहता थी कि आज मंगलवार हैं आज शनिवार हैं मुझे मंदिर जाना हैं बस इससे ज्यादा कुछ नहीं।
ऐसी बीच एक लड़की भी आए थी मेरी लाइफ में । जो कहती थी कि मैं तुम से प्यार करती हूँ तुम्हारे लिए कुछ भी कर सकती हूँ। उस लड़की ने मेरे करिब आकर मुझे इतना पागल कर दिया थी ,ऐसा कर दिया थी कि मुझे ये लगने लगा था कि अब ऐसी से शादी होगी। पर नियति को कुछ और ही मंजूर था।


नवंबर 2017 को मैंने फिर से exam दिया। इस बार मैंने पहले ही सभी प्रोफेसर को बोल दिया था कि ये पेपर अब आप को clear करवाना है। उन्होंने मेरा पूरी मद्दत की।  तब भी मुझे होश नहीं रहता था motivational video हजारों देखी कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता था। इन्हीं दिनों  के बीच मैंने mom-dad को कई बार बोला कि मुझे अब नही जीना हैं ,मुझे मार दो। गुस्से में ना जाने कितने बार कहा। फ़िर एक दिन मैंने yayah bhoot wala की poem सुनी अच्छी लगी , मुझे उसे बारे में सब जाना हैं सारी poem सुनी bt मुझे कुछ और भी चाहते था, सुनते सुनते एक दिन मैंने झुमके वाली की poem सुनी । मुझे इतनी अच्छी लगी कि download कर ली। तब मुझे इस लड़की के बारे में सब जाना था। तब मुझे nojoto के बारे में पता चल और मैंने nojoto डाउनलोड कर लिया। ये बात dec.2017 की हैं।
तब कई बार मैं कॉलेज जाता हैं मेरे प्रोफेसर उन्मेष मिश्रा सर और राजल मैम ने मुझे हिम्मत दी कुछ नया शुरु करने की महीने भर के बाद हिम्मत कर के जनवरी में मैंने illusion art bnana start किया। एक के बाद एक art बनाता गया।
और झुमके वाली की हर बात मेरे खुश रहने की वजह बने लगी थी।
उस वक़्त मैंने अपनी खुशी और अपना दर्द लिखा। मेरे हर दर्द पर मरहम का काम सत्यप्रेम सर ने किया। मेरी हर  nojoto स्टोर जो मैं फेसबुक पर add करता था तब हमेशा msg कर तारिफ करते थे।
और मैं sir को कहता ये सच हैं।
खुद को संभाल ही लिया था कि मुझे पता कि मैं जिस पर आँख बंद कर के विश्वास कर रहा था ,जिससे मैं शादी करना चाहता था उसने ही मुझे धोखा दिया। ये बात मुझे पता चली, सब अपनी आँखों से देखा 12 feb.2018 को । दिल करा की अभी इसको मार दूँ, दो चार थप्पड़ लगाऊ। बहुत ज्यादा गुस्सा आया था पर मैंने ख़ुद को संभाला ,उस वहीँ छोड़ दिया ,कुछ नही कहा उसे। जो हुआ वो सब मैंने अपने खास friends को बताई उन्होंने उसे बात की तब भी अपनी गलती ना देख कर,
मुझे ग़लत और  खुद को सही बनाने लगी और मेरे दोस्तों के सामने मेरे हजार कमियां इस तरह गिनवाए जैसे मैं किसी का खून किया हो,किसी का बलात्कार किया हो। तब दोस्त ने बस एक बात कही मुझे ये की वो तेरे लायक नहीं। मैं खुद को सम्भाल नहीं पा रहा था। 14 feb.2018 को ही मैंने इस बारे में मैंने अपनी राजल mam से बात की जो हिंदी department की h.o.d हैं। उन्होंने मेरा Brain wosh किया। तब याद तो मिट गई पर feeling मुझे बहुत सताती थी।

तब मेरी help सत्यप्रेम sir, love भाई और अनुष्का मैम ने की।
 उसका दिया सब कुछ खत्म कर दिया। पर जनवरी से ही धीरे धीरे मेरे खुश रहने की वजह झुमके वाली बने लगी थी। 15 feb 2018 से लगातार झुमके वाली पर लिखता रहा और साथ illusion art बनाता रहा। march में होली वाले दिन पहले बार मेरी मेरी झुमके वाली से बात हुई।उस दिन मैं बहुत खुश था। अपनी खुशी हर तरह बाँट रहा था। किसी तरह मैं ठीक हुआ। nojoto family का साथ मिला।  पर किस्मत कुछ और चाहती था। exam का result आया फिर से re आई। फिर से पेपर निकलवाने हैं, फिर से सब को दिखाया,फिर से paper दुबारा चेक के लिए form fill किया । बस अब result का इंतज़ार हैं। 
आज भी लड़ रहा हूँ क़िस्मत से, देखना है कब देगी ये क़िस्मत साथ मेरा।

इत्तु से पैग़ाम मेरी ज़िंदगी के नाम।

#kalakaksh #NoSuicide #story #kahani @Nojoto">#@Nojoto @Nojoto">#@Nojotohindi

जरा सुनये एक पते की बात,कहानी नहीं हकीकत हैं मेरे साथ।
कुछ 2,3 साल पूरी बात हैं, जिंदगी जी रहा था खुलकर मैं।
सभी के दिलों पर राज करता था,सभी अपनों के मुख से तारीफ़े अपनी सुना था।
तब सब को मेरा नाम पता था अजय पर कोई ये नहीं जानता था कि ये वो ही अजय हैं जिसकी हम तारीफ़े करते नहीं थकते।
कॉलेज का आखरी साल था तब घर में था कोई ,जो भगवान को प्यारा हो गया। महीने तक पता ना था कि जिंदगी कैसे चले रही हैं। किसी तरह ख़ुद को संभाल कर ,हिम्मत की, ज़िंदगी पहले की तरह जीने लगा।
चर्चे हर तरह होने लगें थे मेरे, ज़िन्दगी अच्छी चल रही थी। कॉलेज का आखरी साल खत्म होने वाला था exam सर पर थे। exam से एक महीने पहले अचानक आँखों में दर्द होने लगा,इतना जो सहन नहीं होता था। जब भी थोड़ी सी रोशनी आँखों पर पड़ती ,पानी गंगा की तरह बहने लगता था।
तब बस मुझे अंधेरे से प्यार हो गया,रोशनी मुझे बहुत सताती।
दवाईयाँ हज़ार खा ली पर इत्तु सा भी आराम नहीं, जब तक दवाई का असर है तब तक ठीक, असर खत्म होती ही फिर पहले जैसा।
ऐसा मेरे साथ दो महीने चलता रहा।
ऐसी बीच मैंने exam भी दिया,तब मुझे होश नहीं ,कुछ पता नहीं की मैं हूँ कहाँ।
Exam देनी जाता थी तब ये भी याद नहीं होता थी कि मैं जा कहाँ रहा हूँ और कहाँ पहुँच गया।
किसी तरह exam दिये, exam के 1 महीने बाद मेरी आँखें ख़ुद ठीक हो गयी,जैसे कुछ हुआ ही ना हो।


जब result आया तो देखा कि मेरा एक paper रहा गया। अब एक साल क्या करूँगा? ना जाने कैसे कैसे सवाल आये। एक दम सब से मिलना छूट गया,सारा दिन घर रहने लगा।

तब मैंने paper rechecking का form fill किया था। क्योंकि मुझे पक्का पता था कि मेरी re नहीं आ सकती।
Paper recheck में clear हो जायेगा। एक एक पल एक एक दिन की तरह गुजर रहा था,मानो ज़िन्दगी रुक गयी। मैं depression में चल गया। मुझे बस ये था कि घर बंध कर नहीं रहना हैं ,करना हैं कुछ बड़ा। पर कैसे?
तब मुझे choching के बारे में पता चला ,मैंने फिर choching पर जाना शुरू किया। वहाँ भी नाम कमाया,मेरी पहचान मेरी कलाकारी थी। जहाँ भी जाता वही मेरी कलाकारी सब को भाटी।
Choching पर जाते जाते,re-checking का result आया ,दुबारा पेपर देना होगा। बुरा तो लगा पर ...........................।


मैंने फिर कोशिश की ,अच्छे से पेपर की तैयारी की और पेपर दिया। पेपर ऐसा किया थी कि कोई फेल ना कर सकें।

Choching मेरी एक साल की पूरी होने वाली थी कि उसे से कुछ समय पहले result आ गया । result फेल।
बर्दाश्त नहीं हुआ,ऐसा कैसे हो सकता हैं मैं shok, प्रोफेसर shok, parents shok. सभी ऐसा हो ही नहीं सकता, मैंने पेपर निकलवाया। एक महीने के बाद पेपर आया तो देखा कि पेपर सारा सारी ठीक हैं ।check करने वाले ने बिना गलती के no. कम दे रहे है इतना ही नही आधे पेपर में no. नहीं दिया। तब भी मैंने कोशिश करना नहीं छोड़ा, कोशिश करता रहा।

मैंने अपने सभी प्रोफेसरो को दिखाया। सब की अलग अलग बात थी, कुछ ने कहा इसने कुछ नहीं होगा पेपर की दुबारा तैयारी करो, कुछ ने कहा कि कई बार टीचर सारे no. एक में दे देते हैं। इन्हीं सब बातों में 15 दिन निकल गया । किसी ने कोई help नहीं की।

माने तब फिर से re-check के form fill कर दिया। जब re-checking का result आया तो फिर से re। मैं यूनिवर्सिटी गया पापा के साथ ,कई दिनों तक चक्कर लगते रहे। यूनिवर्सिटी में मैंने अपना paper सभी को दिखाया, पर वहाँ सब की बोलती बंद थी। बड़े से बड़े प्रोफेसर को दिखाया सब ने कहा ये पास हैं आराम से ।
जानबुझ कर फेल कर रखा हैं ।इन दिनों मैं इतना टूट गया कि कई बार मरने की कोशिश की,road पर चलते चलते ना जाने कितने बार ऐसा करना चाहा।
पर
mind में बस एक बात थी कि अगर मैंने आज ऐसा किया तो मेरे माँ-बाप का क्या होगा।
मैंने कोर्ट केस करना चाहता तो यूनिवर्सिटी वालो ने फाइल दबा दी कहा अब टाइम ज्यादा हो गया, हमनें पहले का सारा रिकॉर्ड खत्म कर दिया।
ये बात मई 2017 की है। हर तरह हाथ पैर मारने के बाद भी वही खड़ा था जहाँ पहले खड़ा था।
इस के बाद मैं इतना टूट गया था की एक एक पल- एक एक दिन की तरह जा रहा था,फिर एक एक week की तरह ,फिर एक एक month की तरह।
बस मुझे इतना याद रहता थी कि आज मंगलवार हैं आज शनिवार हैं मुझे मंदिर जाना हैं बस इससे ज्यादा कुछ नहीं।
ऐसी बीच एक लड़की भी आए थी मेरी लाइफ में । जो कहती थी कि मैं तुम से प्यार करती हूँ तुम्हारे लिए कुछ भी कर सकती हूँ। उस लड़की ने मेरे करिब आकर मुझे इतना पागल कर दिया थी ,ऐसा कर दिया थी कि मुझे ये लगने लगा था कि अब ऐसी से शादी होगी। पर नियति को कुछ और ही मंजूर था।


नवंबर 2017 को मैंने फिर से exam दिया। इस बार मैंने पहले ही सभी प्रोफेसर को बोल दिया था कि ये पेपर अब आप को clear करवाना है। उन्होंने मेरा पूरी मद्दत की। तब भी मुझे होश नहीं रहता था motivational video हजारों देखी कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता था। इन्हीं दिनों के बीच मैंने mom-dad को कई बार बोला कि मुझे अब नही जीना हैं ,मुझे मार दो। गुस्से में ना जाने कितने बार कहा। फ़िर एक दिन मैंने yayah bhoot wala की poem सुनी अच्छी लगी , मुझे उसे बारे में सब जाना हैं सारी poem सुनी bt मुझे कुछ और भी चाहते था, सुनते सुनते एक दिन मैंने झुमके वाली की poem सुनी । मुझे इतनी अच्छी लगी कि download कर ली। तब मुझे इस लड़की के बारे में सब जाना था। तब मुझे nojoto के बारे में पता चल और मैंने nojoto डाउनलोड कर लिया। ये बात dec.2017 की हैं।
तब कई बार मैं कॉलेज जाता हैं मेरे प्रोफेसर उन्मेष मिश्रा सर और राजल मैम ने मुझे हिम्मत दी कुछ नया शुरु करने की महीने भर के बाद हिम्मत कर के जनवरी में मैंने illusion art bnana start किया। एक के बाद एक art बनाता गया।
और झुमके वाली की हर बात मेरे खुश रहने की वजह बने लगी थी।
उस वक़्त मैंने अपनी खुशी और अपना दर्द लिखा। मेरे हर दर्द पर मरहम का काम सत्यप्रेम सर ने किया। मेरी हर nojoto स्टोर जो मैं फेसबुक पर add करता था तब हमेशा msg कर तारिफ करते थे।
और मैं sir को कहता ये सच हैं।
खुद को संभाल ही लिया था कि मुझे पता कि मैं जिस पर आँख बंद कर के विश्वास कर रहा था ,जिससे मैं शादी करना चाहता था उसने ही मुझे धोखा दिया। ये बात मुझे पता चली, सब अपनी आँखों से देखा 12 feb.2018 को । दिल करा की अभी इसको मार दूँ, दो चार थप्पड़ लगाऊ। बहुत ज्यादा गुस्सा आया था पर मैंने ख़ुद को संभाला ,उस वहीँ छोड़ दिया ,कुछ नही कहा उसे। जो हुआ वो सब मैंने अपने खास friends को बताई उन्होंने उसे बात की तब भी अपनी गलती ना देख कर,
मुझे ग़लत और खुद को सही बनाने लगी और मेरे दोस्तों के सामने मेरे हजार कमियां इस तरह गिनवाए जैसे मैं किसी का खून किया हो,किसी का बलात्कार किया हो। तब दोस्त ने बस एक बात कही मुझे ये की वो तेरे लायक नहीं। मैं खुद को सम्भाल नहीं पा रहा था। 14 feb.2018 को ही मैंने इस बारे में मैंने अपनी राजल mam से बात की जो हिंदी department की h.o.d हैं। उन्होंने मेरा Brain wosh किया। तब याद तो मिट गई पर feeling मुझे बहुत सताती थी।

तब मेरी help सत्यप्रेम sir, love भाई और अनुष्का मैम ने की।
उसका दिया सब कुछ खत्म कर दिया। पर जनवरी से ही धीरे धीरे मेरे खुश रहने की वजह झुमके वाली बने लगी थी। 15 feb 2018 से लगातार झुमके वाली पर लिखता रहा और साथ illusion art बनाता रहा। march में होली वाले दिन पहले बार मेरी मेरी झुमके वाली से बात हुई।उस दिन मैं बहुत खुश था। अपनी खुशी हर तरह बाँट रहा था। किसी तरह मैं ठीक हुआ। nojoto family का साथ मिला। पर किस्मत कुछ और चाहती था। exam का result आया फिर से re आई। फिर से पेपर निकलवाने हैं, फिर से सब को दिखाया,फिर से paper दुबारा चेक के लिए form fill किया । बस अब result का इंतज़ार हैं।
आज भी लड़ रहा हूँ क़िस्मत से, देखना है कब देगी ये क़िस्मत साथ मेरा।
@Satyaprem @Nojoto @Love Prashar @Dalchand @Anushka Verma

52 Love

Never In My Wildest Dreams

You came into my world like high beams on some two lane highway in the middle of a desert night; just as I lost the fight between thirty more miles and pulling over for a nap until sunrise. Fracturing my momentary dream into a million pieces of panic and surprise as your light burned through the lids of my eyes and your horn’s noise grabbed at nerves that shook my insides alive.

I remember the giant halo of your glow and light coming head on, the fog in my brain was overwhelming, as muscle memory spurred both hands and they registered on the wheel. My grasp was wrapped tight and pulled sharply, sending me into a wrenching swerve; a sudden desperate attempt to avoid our impending collision, as you careened head long my way. In the moments that came, I couldn’t tell if you were slowing or attempting to avoid the obstruction of my vehicle that had wondered into your lane. I only knew the fear as my life flashed before my frozen, bulging eyes. I felt my knuckles strain, threatening to rip flesh, as they pulled against the tension of my grasp on the wheel.

I remember feeling my knee slam under the dash as terror took me and I over compensated. With pang in knee, I stabbed my foot back down at the break. I remember the feeling of gravity shift as my vehicle began to swerve and my body flatten into the door panel as I began the fight to regain control of my vehicle, careening down that lonely highway.

I remember my body recognized and felt something I couldn’t have truly felt. At least something felt different, this specific time, than any other before or after. Both the fear of loosing control and this new feeling are forever linked somehow. It was something I felt as my shoulder pressed into the drivers side door panel: the feel of the gravel beneath my tires, not in the normal sense of peeling out, or hot rodding around a turn, or when you are navigating a gravel incline and a tire slips, spinning a bit. But, I remember feeling every, single, piece, of gravel, as my tires slid over them, like they were brail desperately attempting to be read by someone with an untrained hand.

And suddenly, I remember, I was fighting gravity to avoid being thrown into the empty passenger seat next to me; with the dutiful assistance of my seat belt I remained square in seat. By this point my perspiration was beading at my brow and my palms were slick and damp. The smell filling my nose was terrible: rubber skidding across tar and the metal chemical burn of clutch mixed with burning metallic fumes of locked, red hot breaks. The noxious smoke produced from the instant tire tread wear of tires attempting to grapple with the texture of pavement at sixty miles per hour and the dust thrown up from the narrow desert road was thick in the air as my vehicle began to spin violently. This must have been one of my wildest dreams.

Your tail lights passed by my view out the front windshield a few times before I came to a slow, lazy roll backwards, eventually coming to a halt on the pavement; vision now dizzy and disoriented. My motion had not stopped however. The spinning had turned my head into one of those twirling carnival rides and transformed my extremities into shaking nerve noodles, who’s vibration emanated from my core.

Regaining my composure, I found myself immediately worried about who I had almost collided with and what state they were in; my concern seemingly met with reply as your hazard lights lit up from the tail lights of your vehicle ahead. I remember blood pumping in my temples as I raced toward your vehicle, grateful to be alive, and grateful you were still on the road and in one piece as well. Closing the distance to your flashing hazards just hoping you were okay. I felt embarrassed and foolish for putting myself, and you, at risk not stopping a few miles back. I prayed you were not scared or upset with me. Not knowing what to expect as I slowed to a jog nearing your vehicle, I took in the details of the multiple spins my vehicle completed as it whipped round and round directly down the center of the highway. I took in the sight of fresh tread on the pavement left by my tires, scrawled like a signature of some artist signing their work of near miss.

I remember as I looked up again to where your vehicle had come to a stop, that you too where now running my direction. As we approached each other I could tell we both did a quick visual assessment of each other, our vehicles, the tire tread scrawl on the road. We asked each other if the other was okay and learned no harm had come to the other other than shaken nerves and a bit of embarrassment on my part.

I remember hearing your laugh for the first time as we sat on the side of that highway in the middle of the night and lost track of time. We talked about everything, and nothing, as we watched the stars and smiled at each other honestly. Morning came faster than either of us expected announcing it’s a rival gloriously. The sunrise was exceptionally beautiful that morning. As we peacefully watched, finally pausing in conversation for the first time since we met, we took in it’s orange, blue, yellow, and pink shifting colors sharing glances at each other now and then, smiles and blushing cheeks as we did.

As the morning sun’s heat set upon our skin and the brightness of the desert view began to become overwhelming you turned to me with a smile. I remember taking your business card and the electricity fire through my fingertips as our hands touched for the first time.

Your touch felt so exotic then, like some distant land I had read a million books about and knew every detail of but had only learned from in the texts written in those pages. I imagine I looked like an adventurer, captivated and in awe, as they stepped of an old steam engine train onto a new landscape. Amusing the locals watching a new traveler standing starstruck seeing, smelling, and feeling the foreign environment they had read so much about but were only experiencing in person for the first time.

As I put your business card into my wallet, so many unknown feelings and pressing questions that I wanted to ask you were coming to my head fighting each other for place in line and internally pleading for one more second of your time. They were interrupted by one major new question I hadn’t considered so distracted by my internal conflict.

When would I would see you again? This question was followed by an even larger: Would I see you again? I was so caught off guard at their staggering weight I remember feeling intimidated by how much it meant to me. I chickened out. I didn’t ask and though in that moment didn’t know what to do with myself, or my shaken emotions, as we said our good byes.

Before you turned to depart I managed to make sure you too had my number and awkwardly, shuffled back, half facing you, half trying to walk away. I could tell you noticed in the words your smile always seemed to hold.

I remember you driving away and the stress I felt realizing we were going in opposite directions for the first time since we met and how something immediately felt missing in my world. I remember kicking myself not wanting to end up just some guy who you met and called you down the road or being just a story of a time you almost got hit head on by some guy in the middle a desert one night. A bit late, but just in time, I buckled my seat belt and decided not to become that guy. I threw my vehicle in drive and accelerated after you. Headed in your direction for the first time.

My heart raced as I drove fast to catch up to your vehicle once again and as I pulled up behind you, obnoxiously got your attention with my horn and the flashing of my lights. I couldn’t believe I had chased after you like a crazy! What would you think of this? Was I crazy?

As you stepped out of your vehicle your beauty was staggering and I confidently acknowledged, almost applauded myself; I had made the right decision. I jogged up to you on the pavement of that two lane highway and blurted out “When will I see you again?!”. Your laugh told me everything as it often did, I would learn.

I canceling my plans, my new job would have to wait, or I’d find a new one when I got to my destination. I suddenly had you placed at the center of my life’s main screen and didn’t for one second consider what else was on outside in my periphery. Everything seemed like it mattered just a little bit less than the focus my mind found when trained on you. I spent the day with you, headed in your direction. We played, both lost in the world together, on a new adventure, and loving every moment of it.

By that evening I was already in love, and knew it as for the first time I watched the sunset reflect forever in your eyes. I will never in my wildest dreams forget your smile when I admitted my love to you as we watched those stars again, together, that second night.

I also remember how we really met, and this isn’t it! Not even close! But it sure could have been. I mean, some things are similar to how we met all those years ago. You do remember don’t you?

The night we first met we were hurling in each other’s direction at a million miles per hour and barely missed colliding. That near miss put us into permanent dance as we orbited each other - dancing in and out of each other’s life, always friends, lovers, strangers, family; whatever we needed to be for the other at that specific moment in time. The first night we met I knew I had met the most amazing woman and I couldn’t believe that I had finally found you; never in my wildest dreams did I think you were really out there.

We did watch the stars and talked until the sun came up. We also spent the next day playing together and I really did watch the sunset reflect forever in your eyes. I did fall in love with you, only immediately, almost at first sight.

My love switch flipped the very moment you said “Hiiii” that way you did. Your mysterious brown eyes - strands coloring them wonderful, as your cheeks smiled for days. They reached into me latching onto my heart and I did not resist the comfort of your grasp. There was just something so familiar in the way you drew me in and made a place for me in your world. I felt like I had seen this smile of yours before somewhere and it belonged right after that “Hiiii”, and right in front of me. There was also something so familiar in the way you said my name, always smiling, you giggled a lot more back then.

I chased after you and that smile, following the echoes of that giggle from that moment on without any regret and loved every moment you chased me back laughing as we played. I remember how grateful I was getting to know you, and how grateful I always will be to have spent all the moments we shared through the years, building our story. The rest of that story and how we really first met is ours. A story to be remembered another time I think.


I remember the many other things that are similar in the story I have told but happened completely differently, to a completely different moment, in a completely different part of our story that I’d like to share in this letter to you. I think it is supposed to help...telling you these things, we always shared our deepest feelings with each other and It’s hard holding them all by myself. I’m working on it, love, I promised. Writing these letters to you and the chapters of our time together contained within.
In this part of our story, the true part of this story, and part of our chapters I’m sharing in this letter is a moment where I remember a collision that happened head on and it all started with a phone call.

I remember we were both asleep at the wheel and wholly unprepared as I raced down the highway to you. I remember how sudden the impact came after I reached your side. I remember the pain and jarring as your light in my world, that light that engulfed my vision completely, was in a moment no longer present. I remember my confusion as my momentum came to a complete, and immediate, stop. I remember that I didn’t even have time to scream or brace myself as everything in my world shattered in a devastating explosion and all it’s shiny pieces showered into the air around me. I remember that I didn’t even have both hands on the wheel as my life turned upside down. I remember that there was no seat belt to fasten me in as my breath choked in my throat, stalled, as if suspended mid air.

I remember the look, taste, sound, smell, touch, and feeling of every, single, thing, in that hospital room. I remember the smell of my tears in your hair. I remember how soft your skin was and that your fingernails were not painted like they normally were as I held your hand. I remember the feeling of my nerves as they achieved complete pandaemonium within me. I remember I was trembling as I struggled to breath between crying, then breathing, then crying, tasting the snot running from my nose mixed with the salt that clung to my face as I sat at your side. I remember hearing the sobs in the room as your heart rate monitor stopped blinking. I remember that exact moment you left me. I remember all of the feelings I felt at that moment as my emotions burned deep within and imprinted them as if by brand, permanently emblazoned on my soul. I remember not having the words for them then and I still do not have words for them now.

I remember every single detail, reflected in the pieces of my world as they crashed to the polished surface of the tiny room’s grey and white checkered tile floor. I remember that for the first time in a long time we were no longer running toward each other, or in the same direction together, and you weren’t there to make sure I was okay. I remember praying that you would be okay but my heart didn’t hear the echo of yours anymore to be sure. I remember hoping you were not lonely just minutes after you left and began crying: differently, because I didn’t know how to be there for you like I promised I always would be. I remember wanting so badly to chase after you, especially in the months that followed your funeral to keep that promise I made. I remember wanting to make sure you weren’t alone and be by your side as you took off on this new adventure to make sure you got under way okay. I remember trying to lighten my mood and joke about you making a new friend jealous, telling them about a guy that loved you unconditionally in another life. But, I remembered I could not chase you this time; I couldn’t be there to hold you if you happened to fall in love with him and he broke your heart. There was no catching up to you minutes down the road, just to see your smile again and hear you laugh at me for being silly. There was no way to pick you up off the ground and piece your heart back together with pieces of mine if it was broken this time.

I can only hope you receive all the letters like this one and that you are able to answer my call when I get home. We can meet in the middle of some two lane highway in the clouds, talking about life down below, or everything, or nothing, and laugh at the concept of time.

I can’t wait for that moment I see you again and we can remember all the years since the night we first met and remind each other how that story really went. I want so badly to be reminded exactly how it feels seeing the sunset reflect forever in your eyes like I used to.

I remember you every single day and wrote this letter to remind you: that more than anything, I patiently wait to learn how we finish our story, because never in my wildest dreams, could these stars be as beautiful as I remember, all those moments, I spent watching them with you.

10 Love
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