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I'm sorry mummy......I'm really sorry. I don't have the guts to say you this in person but trust me I'm feeling really guilty of what I said and did earlier.
You know me, I'm stupid, I take decisions on impulse, I won't realise my mistakes until someone comes and tell me, I'm the worst decision maker but I never meant to hurt you. I lack a filter to my mouth. I'm sorry that I don't think much before speaking. But trust me I'm working on it.
Can't you see the change between the old me and the new me? Now before speaking I think a lot, but at times I don't think at all when I'm in my own mood. Please mummy, try to understand me.
It has been 3.5 years since I started bleeding. I get horrible mood swings and really painful cramps but you never understood me when I behave in a weird manner, when I hurt you unintentionally by my words and actions. I don't really mean it. Trust me that's not me. They are my mood swings....my hormones which make me behave like that.
You know I want to get back to the time when I was 6. Do you remember I used to make a lot of mistakes? Any work you gave to me was spoiled and then you would get mad at me. Later the day you gave me chocolates or ice cream which indicated that you're now no more upset with me. After that you used to explain me everything. You would tell that I shouldn't have done what I did.
Can we go back to that time please? Teach me a lesson everytime I do something wrong. Pull my ears if you want. Slap me if you wish. Just don't give me your silent treatment.
Anything is bearable but not your silence and lack of your trust.
I know you love me a lot. I know you love me more than anything. But mummy trust me, I can live without your love. It's okay if you don't love me. But I can't live without your trust. You need to trust me. You need to have faith in me, you need to believe me.
I know I'll lost my track but you need to pull my ears and show me the right path.
Please just give me a chance and I promise I'll try my best to never let you down and to make you happy. All I'm asking for is just a chance.
Please mummy. I'm really sorry. Please don't hurt yourself because of me. Please.
a daughter who deserves to be abandoned and who doesn't deserve a great mother like you.
Let me introduce you to a fancy word trust,
Now a days it is just a cover for lust,
It has a true meaning buried in dust,
And it's importance is getting rust.
Trust is the basic need for any relation,
May it be for short or long duration.
Trust for life on mother and father,
Trust for love on brother and sister.
Trust for knowledge on teacher,
Trust for wisdom on preacher.
Trust on one's spouse,
To run their house.
Trust on doctors for an operation,
Trust on actor to try new variation.
Let it be our family or career,
Trust makes or life happy and merrier
It was my first day at school.... my new school. Heard about it before that teachers are very strict, students are bold and fluent, no talk in Hindi only English is allowed otherwise, a thin cane is waiting to decorate your palms with beat marks, so yes I was scared. By the way, I am Kiara, a person full of curiosity and creativity. I was not mastero in speaking English but I was sure that I will learn. I entered the class labeled 7th standard.... now it's weird that instead of analyzing the class, my attention was dragged towards a boy behaving as if he has not seen girls before.... I mean he was not staring at but was behaving as he is alegeretic from them. It was Rohan.... although I don't like judging people or making advance perceptions but at that very moment, I didn't like him or to be honest I hated him.......
Classes started and with time all unknown became friends.... oh again let me clarify, girls and boys became friends not among them but within them separately. Now there are two groups.... girls gang and boys gang. Simultaneously we all were divided into different houses.... I was in Yellow, my favorite colour and he was in Yellow, my not so favorite and that too the HOUSE CAPTAIN. I don't know what was his problem.... why he is always like "I me aur mein". He don't speak nicely, he don't walk nicely, he don't behave nicely, he don't smile nicely.... actually he is a jerk.
It's gonna be fun.... fest week is going to start and I am super excited for so many things race, relley, kho-kho, high jump, dance and March past. We started practicing long ago for March Past as it's all about coordination here. Being a Captain, it was Rohan's duty to lead, command and along with that monitor the rest of the house while programmes. We were senior most in school so duties were alotted to us as well. I have to keep younger ones quite as told by so called Rohan.
Sports were started and we all pulled our socks, forgetting that who we HATE, came together to make YELLOW win. Girls won relley and kho-kho and boys won cricket but here comes the most dramatic scene when "Mr. Rohan was immediately taken to classroom after the match followed by school boys CRUSH Ms. Priya and few students including ME.... OK so I didn't go to check on him, it was my class too I had some work.... fine I wanted to see he is hurt or just acting. He shouted like hell when Ms. Priya tried to put dettol. I was curious to see how much he is hurt and I found the same thing which I was expecting.... a SCRATCH that's it, how can he create scene like daily soap over just a small scratch.... he behaved as if he is Rohini not Rohan. He saw me smiling at him and I continued as I love watching him like this.... ah no doubt he too don't leave any chance to bother me as he did the very next day.
I was trying to make children quite so I just said "keep quite otherwise your stupid Captain will come". He heard that.... I thought he would be angry or would not talk to me that we usually don't but Iiiiiii never imagined "what he did that day".... complained to Ms. Priya, like seeeeeeeriously. Are you kidding me.... you are grown up how can you do like nersery child, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I HATE YOU.
With time things were settled, we got busy into boards and all. I never took any tution classes but in 12th standard I decided to join Nair Aunty's classes for Physics. Rohan also use to come there but this is not which I was bothered about. I was worried about my decision as my father use to teach me till now and I was scared if he will be hurt about my decision. We discussed things and he was fine with it.
At tution on my first day, Rohan was surprised to see me or I should say he was shocked and definitely not happy....... so do I, our friends were aware about this disliking for each other. I don't know but what just happened to my friend's, they use to poke me when Rohan arrives at classes......"look na you both are wearing same colour, see he is staring you and so on".
Boards were on head and atmosphere at home was very tensed. Here suddenly, parents realised their duties. Papa's have to hide laptop chargers, tabs, ipads and Mom's have to hide TV remote, novels. There was a strict rule "NO TV". In all this, I was confused because I started thinking about Rohan, his mischiefs, my fights with him, his stupisities.....his smile, his face, his.......WHAT is happening to me why I am thinking about him.
I tried diverting my mind and focus towards studies alongwith that I thought to figure it out after exams.
We were done with board exams and all other competitive exams also. Now this was the time when we were waiting for our results and college counseling. Our daily routine was to eat, sleep and roam with friends. There were no studies as we don't know what to study, there were no hiding of entertainment stuff, it felt like heaven.......
I figured out the Rohan's matter, I decided to tell him that I think "I love you". I told this to one of our common friend Meera, she told me that Rohan already have a girlfriend. I was broken and there were so many filmy lines which were coming to my mind......"mera pelha pyar adhura reh gaya", "tujhe yaad na meri aayi kisise ab kya kehna", "tu pyar hai kisi aur ka tujhe chahta koi aur hai", "aacha chalti hoon duaooo mein yaad rakhna......". Then I thought to tell him because atleast I will be ok that I told him......
On 9th December, 2011 @ 06:00 PM, I called him and yes Rohan was shocked about my call, I said "I LOVE YOU". Rohan said "I have a girlfriend". I said "I KNOW", I told him "I hope the way you love her, she also do". He took a pause and said "I think so". The call was dropped and I was happy not because I told him but because "if he didn't say YES then also he didn't say NO". We moved on with college. He went Ahemdabad and I went Kelera......
After completion of first semester, students were very happy as it was home coming after soo long. I was packing my bags and was so excited to meet my school friends and may be Rohan.......we reached hometown back to back and planned a reunion. Riya (my school friend) called me and said "Rohan was asking for your number". Ok now where were this comes from.......I asked "WHY". She said she has given my number. I was confused what he wanna say, Is he going to say I......... Naaaa he will not. I was pretty happy that Riya gave him my number as I got to know earlier "he broke up with his girlfriend".
At reunion, we all met and everything went on well. In the evening, Rohan called "I am sorry". I asked "Sorry for what". He said "Sorry because I didn't accept your proposal at that time". I said "Proposal???? it's ok, we were kids and now I imagine that how I proposed you......". We laughed over this thing but I was aware on back of my mind that I still love him and whatever I said was because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
Semester break was over and we went to our colleges. Rohan and I started talking on phone. I found him good and he found me practical. With time UG was completed, he started with job and I went for PG degree.
I am 24, have a job but planning to change. Here I am planning to start my career and there my parents are planning to get rid of me.......in simple words, they are planning to get me married which I don't want. All these years I focused on studies and was just not able to stop thinking about him. We talk sometimes and everytime I start loving him more. I imagine him when I am sad I imagine him when I am happy, his only thought brings smile on my face he is always with me I imagine him in every situation I make my own stories with him I fell for him more and more......
Finally on 15th February, 2018 @ 11:00 PM I called him......
Rohan: Hi, kaisa hai beta?
Kiara: (Oh I love him more when he calls me "beta", thinking in mind) Hi, Mein badiya tum kaise ho.
Rohan: I am good.
Kiara: I hope you were not sleeping and even if you were then wake up its quite important.
Rohan: If I say that I was sleeping than I know you won't let me so yeah.......tell me
Kiara: Ok so I am confused ahmmmmmmm Rohan what were you doing?
Rohan: I am pretty sure you didn't call me to ask this.......right?
Kiara: Ok so I just called to say......I mean ask......I mean say......
Rohan: Yeah tell me I am listening
Kiara: Wait a second I think on the back of your mind you know what am I gonna say?
Rohan: Yes but I want to hear it from you.
Kiara: (ab jab sammne wala aise reply karega toh aapko toh positive wines hi aayenge na, thinking in mind) Ok so I wanted......I will start from beginning OK
Rohan: Don't tell me tu mujhe lamba pakane wali hai.
Kiara: Shut up
Rohan: I was kidding beta
Kiara: So Rohan I use to hate you alot from 7th to 12th standard.
Kiara: Yes and then I don't know what just happened to me and I......
Rohan: Say it
Kiara: I like you
Kiara: Ok so I will give background music dhiding dhiding dhiding.......
Kiara: One more thing.......this is not a question I just wanted to tell you......I don't want any ANSWER from you I just wanna let you know
Rohan: I know you are not dying for me and you don't find me special but yes I am feeling special at this time.
Rohan: (after a long silence) Hey, I like you too because I can share anything with you, whenever I feel like talking I have you and trust me I don't want you to solve my problems with me......I just want you to sit with me and listen to me.
Kiara: Okk so now you are confusing me......there is a difference between your liking and mine.
Rohan:. Yes, there is a difference.
Kiara: You clarified your side now it's my turn......Rohan......no matter I am sad or happy I always imagine you.....if I have so many problems or if I have solution to each of them.....I just thik that you are with me.
Rohan: Wao I am proud of you because I would never be able to say and I am very glad you said this to ME.
Rohan: Well tomorrow I am leaving for cousins (our common family friend) wedding, you also come na I will be bored there alone.
Kiara: Naaaa you have fun
Rohan: (it's 12:07 PM) I want to say something I hope you will not scold me.....
Kiara: No I will not......tell me
Rohan: I am very sleepy
Kiara: Expected.......you can sleep
Rohan: I will call you once I reach to the wedding point.
Rohan: Bye beta
Kiara: (don't go......I love you, thinking in mind) Bye.......
I feel like getting him off my head and very next moment I feel like hugging him tightly. I know I love him and also I want to get over him. I will not call it a one sided love story......all I will call it is "a complete love story without an ANSWER".
Why do I love a girl who made it clear that she doesn't and even though another great girl love me but I don't have the same feelings for her and I still miss my ex everyday and each day, it's been 10 years, I tell people that I moved on but I didn't, why?
This question was asked in Quora(Quora is social media app where people ask questions and get answers) to me by probably not an Indian
Read the answer below
Well, you have some serious issues
You should be consulting with a very good psychologist or psychiatrist instead questioning here on Quora.
This is not a laughing matter, you have issues buddy, as you said it's been 10 years!!!!
I know plenty of men who has the same experience as you have so you are not the odd man but they would have moved on by now and even if they aren't attracted to this current girl, they would go out with different girl to give himself fair chance and also tell this current girl the truth lightly as it could break her heart as well
Question yourself (although you may have already done everything but you seem to me the kind of person who might not)-
Why do I love her?
Why do I only love her?
Why do I feel I can't survive without her?
Do I believe too much on this soul mate crap?
Have I seen too much rom com?
Am I a very unrealistic person?
Why doesn't she feel the same way about me?
What is wrong with me?
Am I ugly?
Am I an unemployed person?
Am I out of shape?
Don't I have any sex appeal?
Why am I not attracted to this current girl?
Is it because she is ugly?
Is it because she doesn't have any sex appeal?
Is it because she doesn't know how to be romantic?
Am I some kind of love sick obsessed dick?
Now let me explain your type of male brain (I don't know you personally so let me go all the way, you can choose yourself, which is possible for you)-
You believe too much on this soul mate bullshit, buddy, subconsciously or consciously
This is why you are programmed to obsessed over her even though she clearly stated otherwise.
You probably have some kind of wild fantasy with her and it is so strong in your brain (it relaxes you, it gives you extraordinary peace) that you can't help but think about her everyday as it never fullfiled, in reality you will be disappointed more likely even if you are with her
You believed this fantasy of yours is only possible with that girl, this current girl doesn't even belong in the same league
Or you have a very simple fantasy with her, as it could be nothing to with sex but everything else like cooking with her, sharing stuff with her, cleaning with her, going to places with her, laughing with her, the way she looks at you, it isn't possible with others
You believe she understands you better than any other person or you don't want anyone to understand you as you feel either it could be better than her and you might forget her and you don't want that or she will not measure up
Maybe she left you because she knows you well
Have you ever thought about that?
Now I am guessing that you are not too outrageously ugly otherwise another girl who could be very ugly as well wouldn't have any feelings for you as she also doesn't have much options it seems, anyone else would have moved on by now knowing your obsession about that girl but she still here and that tells me she doesn't have much have options and ugly and you are incredibly lucky idiot
Now you don't have to settle with a girl that you don't have any feelings
But have you checked yourself infront of mirror?
Are you some kind of Tom Cruise?
I am guessing that you are not
But no-one is but they don't have this kind of unhealthy obsession with one girl either
Do you feel that you have some other skills like to make her laugh or something??
Let's get one thing straight-
You are wrong in so many occasions-
There's no such thing as soulmate in real world that only exists in rom com, either you have an wonderful chemistry with a wonderful girl that you are lucky to find or you grew into that eventually after some point of time, now this is what happens in real life
Unless you are one of those picking up girls type and regularly sleep with girl, speaking from personal experience those men lie a lot, they don't pick up as much girls as much as we are told, they go most nights alone, I know from experience
These men constantly groomed themselves and learning new ways to pick up girls, are you doing any of these things??
Girls generally like men who are well behaved, have good hygiene, but they also know who is a pick up artist, have a good job, stable personality, so that they can have a future with them
Those girls who are just trying to have sex, they also don't go for desperate people, they could go for badasses to thrill themselves as it is one night stand but it is just sex for one night and they also knows how to make sure that it doesn't turn into anything more than that, and if you are thinking otherwise, let me tell you don't, it won't, people are more capable of handling their emotions than you might expect so they would seem more cold than you expect, is something like that happened with you involving that girl?
A reality check for you buddy, real life is nothing like romantic movie, even if you are with your so called soulmates, you are going to have problems, I mean ugly problems, you need to adjust to each other, and if you are not with your so called soul mate, it's not that bad either, you will have a lot of unexpected surprise, it could be something that is beyond your expectation, you might end up having better experience than your wildest imagination
And what is this obsession with one Girl?? She is a human being with two boobs and one vagina, other Girls also have that, how do you know that they are not good enough for you? How do you know about everything about everything? Are you some kind of all knowing God? You are treating one girl as some kind of superior angel over others and insulting rest of girl population in the process, this is not very rational thinking
I think real problem is with you not whether she loves you back but you like being in this obsession with her, you like this whole process which is why even 10 years have not changed anything for you
This is why I told you about consulting with a psychologist or psychiatrist in the first place
You might not be in love with that girl
You are in love with this obsession of yours
Yeah, don't get surprised
This could very well be the real truth
Buddy, nothing is impossible, you can get out of this unhealthy obsession and move on and be happy with your life
You just need to give yourself a proper chance
Whenever you feel you are missing her, do these-
Involve yourself with positive, constructive work
You could involve yourself with some organisations that helps the poor people, helping the needy can be great peaceful and heavenly feelings, nothing can beat that, you will start to see the world differently
Groom yourself constantly
Go to gym
Go to dates
Meet as much as girls as possible
Don't expect anything, in dating world rejection is normal, you are only going for experience and to keep yourself busy, don't talk about ex in dates, treat her well, just have fun nothing more, again don't expect anything, just have fun, anything is possible
You will get over her
She isn't some special girl but just another one
You are special as well
You deserve better