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32 important life lessons from 32 years
Sometimes so many questions accumulate in your head that you just have to find a way to release them. Olesya Novikova, a writer, journalist, blogger, and traveller, recently shared the life lessons which she has discovered over the 32 years of her life so far.Everyone has a fear. Even beautiful, talented, smart, and lucky people. We’re scared to start something new, to go out of our comfort zone, to take a risk, to do something that we never done before. We fear for our families, for our jobs, for our life, and for many other things as well. Fear will always exist. No matter how much experience, confidence, recognition, money or talent you have, you’ll be scared to a greater or lesser degree each time when you conquer a new height or do something new. But this is fine. This means you’re still alive. You have to keep going on. Go through and past your fear, and don’t try to get rid of it.
Changes will keep happening. Stability is illusory. We’re constantly on the move. We keep changing — outwardly and inwardly, and these processes don’t stop even for a second. A sane person doesn’t have the chance to pose the question — to change or not to change? He or she can only answer a different one: ’’Do I have control over these changes that are taking place, and to what extent?’’
’’Quickly’’ means ’’slowly, but without interruption.’’ There’s no need to do something quickly, intensely, or forcefully. Just do it regularly. The most important thing is to keep the rhythm going. Do it little by little, but constantly. And after some time, if you look at it from the outside, it will look like you did it quickly and efficiently.
Create more than you consume.Otherwise, you’ll be left with only a hopeless consumer lifestyle leading to no meaningful conclusion. ’’Everything is good, but there’s nothing good’’. A person must always create something, willingly and with love. This is a formula for good mental health. Curiously, this is the only way to enjoy the pleasure of consumption that won’t destroy the pleasure itself. You can consider this process as a spiritual version of having good metabolism.
Today’’ is what you did and thought yesterday, and ’’tomorrow’’ is what you do and think today. Repeat this phrase like a mantra for as long as you realize that no one else is responsible for the problems you come up against.
There are no guarantees at all. This is a basic rule of the universe which you need to take into account when making all your decisions and preparing all your plans.
The era of sacred knowledge is over.Now, it’s the era of informational hygiene. For several years already, knowledge hasn’t helped any of us achieve anything or attain a meaningful existence. The internet has devalued knowledge. The ability to concentrate on a given task without losing interest is now more important. And this skill is directly affected by the storm of information battering your mind at any given moment. The more verbal ’’garbage’’ is around, the weaker your concentration becomes. The more the thoughts of others circulate in your mind, the harder it is to hear your own voice. The online stream of information weakens your ability to discover yourself.
Joy and pleasure are not the same thing. We never experience real joy while eating a chocolate cake, drinking a glass of wine or smoking a cigarette. We don’t experience joy while buying new shoes or perfume. Let’s call things by their proper names — in these cases, we just get pleasure. And that’s another story. By its nature this feeling is very short-lived, and it’s inextricably linked to further dissatisfaction, boredom, satiety, and the desire for a new portion of pleasure. Don’t be afraid to give up pleasures, be afraid not to experience real joy.Suffering exists. Buddha was right after all. 
Suffering exists. Everybody suffers. Both those who have nothing and those who have everything. Those who don’t suffer in the present will make the transition to a state of pain at a later date. Maybe because of the falling currency or because of a terrorist attack. Maybe because of finding out that someone doesn’t love him or her anymore. Or they’ll get upset because they don’t get a reply to a message they sent, or they don’t earn enough money, or for literally any other reason you can think of. Suffering exists. We will always find a reason to suffer. Just accept it, and do your best to ignore it.
Not everyone can be happy. Can everyone be happy? Yes, sure! But only in theory. In practice, only those who have disciplined their minds can be consistently happy, calm, balanced, and benevolent. Only those whose minds are trained and capable of not worrying about everything around them. Only those who manage to retain a sense of joy not only in agreeable circumstances but also in unpleasant situations. Otherwise, there’s an endless stream of events which will evoke only pain, irritation, and anxiety. And some situations are more serious than others. A person who reacts emotionally to every little incident can never be happy inside.
Joy means retaining a balance in your mind. If somebody had told me this five years ago, I would never have believed it. When you dream all day and night of finding your one true love, creating a family, a well-paid job, an opportunity to work for yourself, to travelk, you think that you know what joy is. At least, what your own joy is. Of course, you can’t always be satisfied with everything. Sometimes you suffer. And this is fine. The most important thing is that you know what to strive for. Looking at your dreams, you realize where your sense of enduring joy comes from. Joy is a state of complete peace of mind, which is achieved by overcoming the blind, automatic reactions of the mind to events. Practising a form of deep meditation is perhaps the only healthy way to discover and attain this state true maturity.
Know the importance of fruit and its physical effects. Fruit is not acidic, it’s alkaline. To divert into science for a second, all kinds of ripe fruit and vegetables have an alkaline reaction, helping to neutralise excess acid in your body. Things like meat, sugar, fat and dairy products have the opposite effect. Not many people know this — try googling it!
’’My body itself knows what is better for it’’ is one of the most insidious mind traps. An alcoholic’s body wants to drink; a smoker’s body dreams of a cigarette; our bodies are always hungry for chocolate and fries. How can the body know what is better? Our minds live by automatic responses that don’t let us make necessary changes; our bodies obey our habits and our chaotic impulses.
Food affects not only your body but also your mind. In the same way that alcohol significantly changes your consciousness, blunting it, certain kinds of food can have a similar effect, but it’s less pronounced and more unconscious. Food can slow down and refocus your thinking process. Moreover, it can weaken your control, your power of awareness, and your clarity of perception. A slightly ’’blurred’’ state of mind becomes a norm for you, so you forget what lightness and clarity actually mean. The most ’’clean’’ kinds of food are fresh fruit, vegetables, cereals, and that which is cooked with a minimum amount of oil, spices, and salt.
You need money only in order not to think about money. Money doesn’t solve the central question of humanity. It don’t make people happy. But the opportunity not to think about money, at least in everyday life, significantly releases energy for something else.
We have more similarities than differences. The value of personal uniqueness is greatly exaggerated. All the answers and solutions have already existed for a long time. In focusing on your own uniqueness, you don’t have the chance to push away your ego and perceive reality with all its real answers.
The best way to stop an addiction is not to have access to the thing your addicted to, at all. It’s impossible to drink one glass of wine if you’re an alcoholic. If you’re trying to quit smoking, you can’t still have a smoke from time to time. You’ll be constantly in a state of mental torture. You’ll go up and down. You’ll always have disruptions. This rule is immutable for all kinds of addiction.
You will never be fully prepared for change. We are never fully prepared for twists of fate or changes. There is always a strong ’’but...’’ and the temptation to postpone changes until a more favorable time. There is no point waiting for complete internal harmony. You just need to make a decision, relying on the thought that ’’it’s high time’’ to get things done.
Life is a book where the first chapters weren’t written by you. Sometimes even the subsequent chapters aren’t either. We’re composed of beliefs and we make up models of the world around us. And this world isn’t just abstract. It’s a concrete office, a house, a street — the places where we spend our life. It’s our friends, colleagues, parents, and the salespeople whom we meet every evening. It’s a news feed on social networks and so-called Facebook friends. We automatically absorb the opinions, positions, and viewpoints of other people. We imbibe them along with the air, regardless of whether we agree with them or not. And when we don’t agree, it’s also a moment of automatic denial. In childhood, this process was completely out of our control. The essence of your personality was forged by other people, and parental input (if it was ever there) wasn’t dominant in this. What and who you consider yourself to be and what you should be afraid to lose, according to some psychologists, is just a mosaic of your environment. There is nothing to lose. Isn’t that great news? At least in that case, you can redraw everything however you like.
A result is a bunch of attempts at something. It’s not a single well-aimed shot. And it’s certainly not just good fortune.
What helped you at one stage may one day prevent you from going on to the next stage. Sometimes it’s important to give up that which has helped you in the past. Here’s an example: rules for small businesses don’t work for huge corporations. It’s impossible to grow without giving up some of the rules, even if they helped you to grow up yesterday. This also applies to your personality, a person’s values, and their plans.
Outside of your comfort zone, there is a discomfort zone. And there’s no flowers and chocolates there. But you have to go there anyway if you want to achieve something.
There is no life without a purpose. The only question is whether you create these purposes yourself or leave it to your instincts to decide them for you.
Laziness doesn’t exist. There are unloved activities, there’s such a thing as a lack of energy and a lack of wide vision and ability to be excited about new perspectives. But there is no such thing as laziness.
You can’t find yourself; you can only create yourself. There is nothing and nobody to look for. You’re always here, in the here and now. Your path is what you have under your feet right now, nothing more — it’s not anywhere else. You can only distinguish between the right path and the wrong one by using your awareness. You pave small, but definite goals. If these goals are determined by others, or if they chaotically grow as a result of duty, it’s not your path. It’s just a bunch of separate episodes of your life.
You don’t need alcohol. At all.
Your unrealized potential will hurt you one day. It’s useless to hide this fact and instead stick inside your comfort zone. As they say, you are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.
Banks should pay you, but not vice versa. This is the only possible way to be financially healthy. Never, never, never buy anything that you haven’t earned enough to pay for. Never. Especially if you want something big. We pay banks not only our money but also our energy. As a result, you don’t have the energy to take that risk and make adventurous plans. Breaking out from such a situation once that decision is taken is hardly going to be possible.
You need to learn how to work under pressure, and how to relax. Every movement requires exertion. If you make this move reluctantly and out of necessity, you’ll spend twice as much energy. In this case, you spend some energy on the physical and mental effort, and the mental stress saps the rest of your energy. That’s why you need to learn how to deal with stress when it appears and how to love it. If you сan put yourself under strain voluntarily, considering it only something positive, you’ll expend much less energy. The second part of success is the ability to relax, to accept things as they are, to let go of your expectations. You can’t move on if you only know how to be stressed, but don’t know how to relax.
’’Yes’’ and ’’no’’ are two answers that you need to learn as soon as possible.Learn how to say ’’yes’’ to situations and people in spite of the absence of guarantees, internal readiness, and changing circumstances. Learn how to say ’’no’’ first of all to yourself: to your weaknesses, your fears, and your selfishness. And only much later, learn how to say ’’no’’ to others.
There’s a difference between great things and good things. The latter you forget about, the former you don’t. A truly creative person is different from someone who simply does his job well. Creators put their tasks above themselves, dissolving their egos in the process. They work consciously and with love, not because of a sense of duty or a lack of choice. A marketer can be a true musician while a proper musician can be just a mediocre craftsman for their entire life.
Every sign that you meet on your way through life can be interpreted in at least three different ways. 1. Maybe this is a real sign! 2. Perhaps there are no signs at all. 3. Maybe this is a test. Maybe fate just attempted to knock you out of your stride by testing the sincerity of your intentions and your decisions.

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Something in the cabin

The air was cold, the forest was gloomy, with the river rushing every calming and horrifying. Something creeping outside of my tent. My nose sniffles. I could hear snaps, like the traps I set were snapping. The shadows I could see outside of my tent, were like the nightmares I had as a child. Or memories I once had, the scaring ones. Illuminating in my eyes. Waiting for something to happen. The river stopped and the air got warmer on my ear like someone or something was blowing on it. I turned around and I saw it. Big, horrifying, black, long, cold figure. All I could see was its teeth, big and white.

A few hours before- I was forced to go. I really didn’t want to. Camping with papa was annoying, although we get smores, I was always in the same area, alone, in a tent. But this year we were going somewhere else because they found a couple bodies of campers ripped up and hung up the trees. My grandpa wanted to go still, but my grandma wanted us to not.

We got to the camp site and there was a cabin next to it with a river running next to it. The cabin was small and had holes in it. There was a lot of graffiti on the walls. And something smelled terrible! It smelled something dead. My grandpa wanted to check it out, but it was already getting dark and we didn’t have time. So, we quickly set up the camp site, had diner, then went to bed.

The air was cold, the forest was gloomy, with the river rushing every calming and horrifying. Something creeping outside of my tent. My nose sniffles. I could hear snaps, like the traps I set were snapping. The shadows I could see outside of my tent, were like the nightmares I had as a child. Or memories I once had, the scaring ones. Illuminating in my eyes. Waiting for something to happen. The river stopped and the air got warmer on my ear like someone or something was blowing on it. I turned around and I saw it. Big, horrifying, black, long, cold figure. All I could see was its teeth, big and white.

It approached me and touched my lips, like it was telling me to be silent. Then it ribbed a hole in my tent and pointed. I looked out and there was something much bigger caring my grandpa. My grandpa was ripped up like they showed on TV. I was scared for my life. Grandpa was dead and grandma is probably too. I turn around the thing just grabbed me and leaped into the air onto a branch. I look at it and it points down. I look down and see the huge on my tent and my tent crushed under it. The thing right next to me saved me.

I look at it and whisper, “Can you take me home?” It nods. This thing is here to help me. He picks me up and jumps again, higher and higher. We can see inside the cabin, there are so many bodies. Ripped and laying. I then close my eyes and hug it. The thing starts to turn. I open my eyes and see it’s hugging me back. It is bright and beautiful. Then the dark creature jumps up and sees me. It smiles with the teeth sticking out, sharp and bloody.

I take the creature that is bright as light and hold its hand. Then, as if, it was slow motion I say, “Take me home.” with the sweetest smile and everything is bright. I wake up in a flower patch. I see my home. I get up and rush over to the door. Then turn around and see the forest, big and beautiful. In that forest I see it. He was bright and calming, then he slowly turned into butterflies. Till that day I see a butterfly every day, like he still watching over me. Everything has been so beautiful and calm.

In this story, the dark thing represents depression and all the thing you are afraid of or everything you hate. The “it” is the big beautiful this that you care for and the happiness. The cabin is the dark places that you have gone and the home is the areas that you are most comfortable.

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All friends are equal to me.i honour to attitude of everyone!!
So i believe that No one is better than anyone.
They have different styles to control different situation'
All of them are my friend.i feel them with same emotion

He might be the hero of the muffasul, or he is the king!!!
I feel that he is my friend, his background is nothing!!
Friendship is such a thing, where the companion blind!
Friendship the source of power, all of us are client.

where is  darkness of misunderstanding. 
There, friendship is light of sun!!
when we being upset.....
Friends makes confidence like as gun!!

Just Friendship is Real in the fake Earth
you have need of friend till dead from birth!!!
Friend is the only person, with whom everything can be shared"
your pain, your gain! where is your power, where you tired

Friendship is truth, friendship is religion.
Friendship is source of happiness. 
Friendship control brotherhood 
Friendship is mirror of peace.
The glory of Friendship is Endless....

#Nojotovoice

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THE ELON MUSK WAY
Choosing yourself means taking risk, means not being afraid what people think, or your chances of success or failure.
It means doing what you want and hopefully helping the world along the way. Because when you help others, that’s how you get paid in a choose yourself world.
Elon Musk is inspirational to many people, including me.
Inspiration is somewhat of a risk: it takes you outside the world you once knew and introduces you to a new thought, person, idea, or something totally unexpected.

1. “If something is important enough, even if the odds are against you, you should still do it.”
I often get stuck: what if something really is impossible?
But Elon Musk then takes it to the next level always: “let’s go to Mars”. Or “let’s make a billion dollar battery factory.” So at the very least it’s always worth exploring the delicious curvature of the impossible.
2. “Going from PayPal, I thought: ‘Well, what are some of the other problems that are likely to most affect the future of humanity?’ Not from the perspective, ‘What’s the best way to make money?”
I’ve interviewed over 100 people now on my podcast. Each of the 100 have achieved amazing results in their life.
That’s a subjective opinion.
“Amazing” to me.
But none of them have done if for the money. I was talking to Coolio, for instance, who had the best selling song of 1995.
He started writing lyrics every day in 1977. It took him 17 years to have a single hit.
“Never do something for the money,” Coolio told me. “Or the girls”, he added.
3. “(Physics is) a good framework for thinking. … Boil things down to their fundamental truths and reason up from there.”
My guess is he is not referring specifically to the science and theories of physics but the act of visualizing something, coming up with an idea or a theory of why it might be true, and then figuring out how to prove that theory.
To me, thats what physics is. Since the rules are constantly changing, which is another fascinating aspect of physics.
Visualize a possible universe. Prove that it can happen.
4. “The first step is to establish that something is possible; then probability will occur.”
I wonder about this. What’s impossible? Maybe a time machine is too hard to figure out.
But to make an electric car you can imagine first a hybrid car that has a trunk filled with very efficient batteries so you don’t ever need the gas part.
Then it becomes a function of probabilities versus possibilities.
5. “It’s OK to have your eggs in one basket as long as you control what happens to that basket.”
Many people think entrepreneurship is about risk. In fact, it’s the opposite.
Good entrepreneurs don’t learn by failure (the popular “failure porn” all over the Internet).
Good entrepreneurs learn by solving difficult problems.
6. “Persistence is very important. You should not give up unless you are forced to give up.”

I always think this is the magic equation: persistence + love = abundance.
You have to love something enough to persist. You have to persist enough to deepen your love.
This is true for a career. True for a relationship. But only true for YOU and not what someone tells you to do.
And then abundance is the natural outcome. Not just for you but for everyone. Since wealth comes to those who create wealth for others.
7. “You want to have a future where you’re expecting things to be better, not one where you’re expecting things to be worse.”
This is incredibly important. News reporters have zero qualifications to inform people and yet they are all doom and gloom to sell subscriptions.
But people who choose themselves… first imagine a better world and how to make the leap to get there.
8. “It is a mistake to hire huge numbers of people to get a complicated job done. Numbers will never compensate for talent in getting the right answer (two people who don’t know something are no better than one), will tend to slow down progress, and will make the task incredibly expensive.”
When I was running a software company, we always knew it would take one great programmer to solve a hard problem in one night versus 10 mediocre programmers taking a month to screw up a problem even worse.
Ultimately, if you want to make a TV show, don’t rely on the gatekeepers.
Take a camera. Make a youtube video. Make 100 youtube videos. Now you have a show. All by yourself.
9. “If you go back a few hundred years, what we take for granted today would seem like magic – being able to talk to people over long distances, to transmit images, flying, accessing vast amounts of data like an oracle. These are all things that would have been considered magic a few hundred years ago.”
And now imagine what it will be like 300 years from now when people look back at today. “They had to actually ‘connect’ to an Internet then!” or “It took them 7 hours to get from NY to CA!”
10. “My biggest mistake is probably weighing too much on someone’s talent and not someone’s personality. I think it matters whether someone has a good heart.”
I recently watched a company go from a billion in revenues to zero when a founder stole $90 million from the company.
Integrity, humility, and doing your best is by far the most important consideration when evaluating whether to work for someone.
In order to choose yourself, you have to make sure you have completely surrounded yourself with others willing to take the same leaps. Else you will all fall into the ravine you are leaping over.
11. “When I was in college, I wanted to be involved in things that would change the world. Now I am.”
I always wonder about the phrase “change the world”. Can one person change another.
Perhaps the most valuable starting point is to do everything I can to change myself each day: to be physically healthier, to be around emotionally healthy people ,to be create, to be grateful.
To try and improve in these areas 1% a day.
Then maybe I can have a head start on changing the world.
12. “I think it’s very important to have a feedback loop, where you’re constantly thinking about what you’ve done and how you could be doing it better. I think that’s the single best piece of advice: constantly think about how you could be doing things better and questioning yourself.”
I’m invested in about 30 companies. The companies that fail are when CEOs smoke their own crack.
Technology, competition, customers are constantly changing. But we have a cognitive bias to think that the activity we have invested the most time in is, of course, a GREAT activity.
What could be wrong with it?
So it’s important to constantly question this evolution-based cognitive bias with constant questioning as if one were an outsider looking in. Without that, businesses fail.
And if you have trouble taking your own feedback, find someone you trust. Find an accountability partner. Ask: am I choosing myself?
And when you find one…find a group. Have a meetup of like-minded people. Together, is how we individually choose ourselves.
13. “I wouldn’t say I have a lack of fear. In fact, I’d like my fear emotion to be less because it’s very distracting and fries my nervous system.”
A small level of fear is motivational. It forces me to have a backup plan. The average multimillionaire supposedly has seven sources of income. They all have backup plans.
Even Elon Musk has Tesla, SpaceX, SolarCity, and probably a dozen other companies he’s peripherally involved in.
Any endeavor I do, I always ask two questions: “What is my plan B?” and “What is my evil plan?” Meaning what do I hope to learn from this that nobody else expects.
14. “Life is too short for long-term grudges.”
I always think that I’m the average of the five people I spend the most time with.
So this quote is important to me. Don’t spend time with people who can even incite a grudge. I try to spend time with the people I love and who love me.
Even when something bad happens, rather than blame, I try to think about what I learned. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.
It takes practice. I am very trusting. But I hope to learn a little each day.
15. “Don’t be afraid of new arenas.”
Again, inspiration is a risk. It means stepping out of the comfort zone where you’ve never been before.
I try as an exercise to figure out at least one thing a day to do that is outside my comfort zone.
The other day I went up to people and asked them if I could buy a $1 bill with a $2 bill. Interestingly, everybody who was white avoided me. I was a lunatic. But everyone else took my $2 bill in exchange for a $1 bill.
You never know what you find when you experiment. But it’s always fun and scary and good practice for getting out of the comfort zone.
16. “I think it is possible for ordinary people to choose to be extraordinary.”
I thought about this when I read it. I think it’s ok for “ordinary” people to be ordinary also. Ordinary is beautiful.
But I think every day it’s worth trying to be a little better (1%, an amount so small it can’t be measured) in physical health, emotional health, creativity, and gratitude.
Maybe that is a path to extraordinary as that 1% compounds. But I don’t want the pressure of “future extraordinary”. I just want to be a little better today
17. “I could either watch it happen or be a part of it.”
Sometimes people say to me, “I missed the boat” or “I am too late”. I think it’s never too late to do what you love.
What you love is always on the shore, waiting for you to arrive, waiting with open arms.
18. “Being an Entrepreneur is like eating glass and staring into the abyss of death”
People say to me, “I hate my cubicle. I want to be an entrepreneur.”
Entrepreneurship is a disaster. 85% of entrepreneurs fail and failure is not fun at all. Not to mention you have to deal with customers, employees, investors – they are all your bosses and not the other way around.
Then you have to sell, you have to execute, you have to build, you have to exit, you have to grow.
I like Elon Musks’s approach of having many things to work on. Many Plan Bs. So any one entrepreneurial endeavor doesn’t take up all the mind space.
One secret, though, to beat that 85%. If you start off with a profitably customer, the odds of failure go from 85% to less than 20%.
19. “I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.”
I highly recommend Andy Weir’s book, “The Martian”. He self-published it. Then it got picked up by a major publisher. Now Ridley Scott doing the movie.
Discusses this very topic.
20. On his favorite book when he was a teen, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”: It taught me that the tough thing is figuring out what questions to ask, but that once you do that, the rest is really easy.”
Here’s my favorite part of Hitchher’s Guide to the Galaxy: the idea that all you really need from a materialistic perspective is a towel.
Then the Universe sort of takes care of things after that. Hygiene is key.
21. “I just want to retire before I go senile because if I don’t retire before I go senile, then I’ll do more damage than good at that point.”
The two most critical years in terms of dying are the year you are born and the year you retire.
So I doubt Elon Musk will ever retire.
Source: Yourstory

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Our struggles determine our successes

Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.Everyone would like that—it’s easy to like that.If I ask you, “What do you want out of life?” and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” it’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything.A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence—but not everyone wants to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without the risk, without the sacrifice, without the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship—but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder “What if?” for years and years and until the question morphs from “What if?” into “Was that it?” And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, “What was that for?” if not for their lowered standards and expectations 20 years prior, then what for?Because happiness requires struggle. The positive is the side effect of handling the negative. You can only avoid negative experiences for so long before they come roaring back to life.
At the core of all human behaviour, our needs are more or less similar. Positive experience is easy to handle. It’s negative experience that we all, by definition, struggle with. Therefore, what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re willing and able to sustain to get us to those good feelings.

People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to appreciate the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not.People want a partner, a spouse. But you don’t end up attracting someone amazing without appreciating the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings. It’s part of the game of love. You can’t win if you don’t play.What determines your success isn’t “What do you want to enjoy?” The question is, “What pain do you want to sustain?” The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but the quality of your negative experiences. And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life.
There’s a lot of crappy advice out there that says, “You’ve just got to want it enough!”Everybody wants something. And everybody wants something enough. They just aren’t aware of what it is they want, or rather, what they want “enough.”Because if you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the beach body, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten thousand.If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe what you want isn’t what you want, you just enjoy wanting. Maybe you don’t actually want it at all.Sometimes I ask people, “How do you choose to suffer?” These people tilt their heads and look at me like I have twelve noses. But I ask because that tells me far more about you than your desires and fantasies. Because you have to choose something. You can’t have a pain-free life. It can’t all be roses and unicorns. And ultimately that’s the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have similar answers. The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?That answer will actually get you somewhere. It’s the question that can change your life. It’s what makes me me and you you. It’s what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.For most of my adolescence and young adulthood, I fantasized about being a musician — a rock star, in particular. Any badass guitar song I heard, I would always close my eyes and envision myself up on stage playing it to the screams of the crowd, people absolutely losing their minds to my sweet finger-noodling. This fantasy could keep me occupied for hours on end. The fantasizing continued up through college, even after I dropped out of music school and stopped playing seriously. But even then it was never a question of if I’d ever be up playing in front of screaming crowds, but when. I was biding my time before I could invest the proper amount of time and effort into getting out there and making it work. First, I needed to finish school. Then, I needed to make money. Then, I needed to find the time. Then … and then nothing.Despite fantasizing about this for over half of my life, the reality never came. And it took me a long time and a lot of negative experiences to finally figure out why: I didn’t actually want it.I was in love with the result—the image of me on stage, people cheering, me rocking out, pouring my heart into what I’m playing—but I wasn’t in love with the process. And because of that, I failed at it. Repeatedly. Hell, I didn’t even try hard enough to fail at it. I hardly tried at all.The daily drudgery of practicing, the logistics of finding a group and rehearsing, the pain of finding gigs and actually getting people to show up and give a shit. The broken strings, the blown tube amp, hauling 40 pounds of gear to and from rehearsals with no car. It’s a mountain of a dream and a mile-high climb to the top. And what it took me a long time to discover is that I didn’t like to climb much. I just liked to imagine the top.Our culture would tell me that I’ve somehow failed myself, that I’m a quitter or a loser. Self-help would say that I either wasn’t courageous enough, determined enough or I didn’t believe in myself enough. The entrepreneurial/start-up crowd would tell me that I chickened out on my dream and gave in to my conventional social conditioning. I’d be told to do affirmations or join a mastermind group or manifest or something.But the truth is far less interesting than that: I thought I wanted something, but it turns out I didn’t. End of story.I wanted the reward and not the struggle. I wanted the result and not the process. I was in love not with the fight but only the victory. And life doesn’t work that way.
Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. People who enjoy the struggles of a gym are the ones who get in good shape. People who enjoy long workweeks and the politics of the corporate ladder are the ones who move up it. People who enjoy the stresses and uncertainty of the starving artist lifestyle are ultimately the ones who live it and make it.This is not a call for willpower or “grit.” This is not another admonishment of “no pain, no gain.”This is the most simple and basic component of life: Our struggles determine our successes.
So choose your struggles wisely, my friend.


This post originally appeared on MarkManson.net. Follow @iammarkmanson on Twitter

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