My therapist says, "Take your time, it's alright".
Take your time... hmm!
To start with, how do I tell him that I abhor confined places, such as this air-conditioned cabin of his.
Dim lights, dark curtains and closed doors.
"My name is Varun and I am 26 years old.
It all started when I was a kid, probably 12 at that time. He was my neighbour and my parents trusted him. I would go to his home every evening to seek help in my maths' homework.
When I first told Maa about what he had tried to do, Maa called Baba and had narrated the tale to him. Baba didn't believe me either. He pulled out the belt from his pant's hoop and hit me. He hit me till I fell to the ground and I had no strength left within me to protest against him; just the way how Veer uncle had thrown me on his couch and had ran his fingers on my inner thigh. Each time I tried to shout for help, he would cover my mouth and yank me harder.
I never went to his house after that, but that didn't stop him from coming to my home in the evening when my parents were away.
14 years from then, I know the memories should have been erased, but they continue to haunt me.
Schizophrenia is what they call it. I could see Veer uncle everywhere. On the roads, in the shops, in the park, in the silhouette of the watchman outside the school, my PE teacher, the lab instructor in college, the invigilator in the examination hall, the man at the bus stand, the man in the public bus silently and subtly molesting me. I see him everywhere. The fact that he died two years ago from a cardiac arrest had definitely not soothed me enough.
The memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me every day and every night.
I remember the first time I confessed my love to my girlfriend, I held her tight in my arms and cried. She had run her slender fingers through my hair and had let my emotions flow down with my tears. She was understanding then and she still is when I wake up in the middle of the night shouting and panting next to her, from a nightmare. She understands my distorted speech. She understands, and I love her.
But today, I know this has to end.
She is a strong woman and she deserves more. We found out yesterday that she is pregnant with our first kid and I am not sure if we must go ahead or abort the child, when I am still fighting my inner demons. My wife says that she understands and that we can wait.", I tell my therapist.
The therapist looks at me and says, "Well Mr. Varun, I must say that your wife deserves more, give her the happiness and make sure that you don't raise a beast.
I will prescribe you some pills.
But, you need to fight your inner demons, let the upbringing of this kid be your panacea. Name it Veer."
Schizophrenia - a mental disorder that usually appears in late adolescence or early adulthood and is characterised by delusions, hallucinations and other cognitive difficulties.
Panacea - a solution or remedy for all difficulties and diseases.
Veer (masculine/ feminine) - brave
#nojoto #meroenix #Life #Love
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