~Friendship: A Vicious Cycle~ The universe has never been generous to me when it comes to gifting me with friends. A long seventeen years of my life passed only to make me realise that I have no one to whom I can call 'friend'. Not because I am a sheer introvert girl who doesn't like her space to be invaded but because making friends is not my forte or should I say, staying true in friendship is not my forte. They say, friendship is a subtle relation when you find the one who understands you even before you could say a word. But as far as I have experienced, friendship is a pair of those 'Adibas' shoes that might have rivaled the 'Adidas' with its exotic looks but when it comes to durability, it hardly lasts for a few months or at best, a year. There's a time when I used to think sympathy as the stepping stone of friendship. I used to lend my only pencil, share my only apple and even donated my drawing book to my friend so that she won't be scolded because I feel, these are some acts of sympathy. It's alright for me to be scolded at her place. It used to accord me a sublime happiness and my inner self used to praise me saying, 'Yeah, girl! you did a good turn today.' But my sympathy was misunderstood by some as my helplessness. They came with a scythe and stabbed me and pretended as if they were the ones who were hurt. They left thinking, all I did for them was just a facade. They tainted my heart saying I am not worthy of being called a friend. Then there's a time when charigned of being sympathetic and savvying the futility of these acts I chose to enwreathe myself with a veil of contentiousness. I began to rebel my friends if something they did, fails to fit into the benchmark set by my notions. I tried behaving like, I don't care. But I did. And soon my behaviour made me look antagonistic. Like, the super strict dad of the children who compels them to do what he wants to. I became to be portrayed as rude and quarrelsome and then some other friends of mine left saying, this friendship is becoming toxic. So yeah, the universe has never been generous to me when it comes to gifting me with true friends. All it accords me is a fistful of bitter memories to rue upon, a pocket full of unexposed emotions to shed tears on and a bucket full of misunderstandings and allegations to keep me restive during nights. Well, I am acclimatised to this. Most of my nights pass with me thinking where did it all go wrong and then there's this grand welcome of overthinking makes my nights more excruciating leaving me blaming myself for my inability to hold onto this friendship. I know I need to burn the bridges from crossing it over again. But, to be honest I can't. And I doubt if I can ever be over it.
