Disappearing, I was, when I woke up today. It was not this body that was disappearing— it was me. I was disappearing within the layers and layers of what made me me. I was disappearing so rapid I thought it was the end of me. It was still early morning but I was half-dead already. Now how to face this monstrous day? Minutes and hours in front of me looked frightening before I could finally sleep at night. Or should I have slept again right after I woke up? Fuck, was this depression? Was I depressed or was I feeling depressed? Were both the same?
I'm one of the very few who can chuckle amongst these feelings. The chuckle happens because I know I've brought myself here. Consciously or unconsciously I've chosen to be here. My choices and decisions have been so ridiculous that I find myself sitting depressed today. The lack of energy is well deserved because I wasted it due to the over consumption of irrelevant thoughts and activity but I will be stupid if I think I cannot rev it up once again. I'm a human afterall. If I can't do it, who can?
We often forget that our body and mind is our responsibility. If you don't take proper care of both then the depression is inevitable. It is not that the whole world is coming at you with guns and artillery. And it is not that you're destined to be doomed. It is just that the world works in cause and effect. You try slitting your throat today. It will bleed. You try piercing your mind with uncontrollable thought today. It will bleed. It won't bleed literally but as I said before, you will disappear internally. You'll disappear in energy, presence and life itself. No one will notice you. But isn't this all that you asked for?
If you admit that the ugly feelings you feel today are your responsibility only then you will resolve to obliterate them out of your life. Otherwise it's just excuses and boundaries, likes and dislikes, and heaven and hell. These things are never going to take you anywhere. There things will make you disappear. You'll be running away for so long that you'll run yourself out one day.
#roseatesparkles
