L Dear L, I'm all groomed to decide and regret. I would rather move a mountain than break my head struggling to understand how I am feeling about you. Is it a crush? But what in world is a crush? Is it simply breeding butterflies in gut and gushing air down narrow throat? Or it is a tollgate to a bigger road, like an initial investment, a commitment possibly? Listen, I have been running away from commitments ever since I have known-- known what, I don't know. Still stuck in the same "phase." I don't lust after you when I'm with you, but when-- when you're away, when you're out there sharing your time with people I have seen on corridors, when you're too held up to return my call, when your mind is nowhere but there, when I slip your mind like a misplaced cup of coffee-- that's when, that's when my stomach growls from its pit, chanting nothing but your name. Maybe, well maybe, I grow too into you right after-- right after you pick me up and take me on the road we always go on, when you get me ice-cream from your favourite childhood spot, when you show me streets that remember stories of you, when you take me home and make me Maggi, when you pet your plants while smiling at me, when you tease my skin not really touching me, but coming close and inching closer all the while going apart-- right after this I fall for you hard and strong to bear my own weight. I ask myself all day and night and all the minutes that are too crushed to become days or nights: do I like you? Or I want to like you? I want you? Or I want to be you? Be with you? Am I forcing myself to like you because I like the "idea of us?" I hope not. Do people force themselves to like someone just because they can? I would like to see that possibility and question it's reliability, if it exists. How and what does it thrive on? Apparently, uncertainties like these. I am jealous of everyone who knows what they want, who knows what they don't want. I will go stabbing people from behind and right across their hearts to look at their fears and the intense love it takes to smash the same fears and go past them. I will, I won't. I don't dare. I don't dare look at something I won't do.
