//A letter to 20 year-old HG— % & #letterto20yohg Dear 20-yo-HG, I will turn 19 soon. I am crying right now. I want to pull my jaw apart and tend to it. It's that painful. A few minutes back, I screamed through a whole conversation and blamed the people involved for everything. This afternoon I hit myself. I know you're disappointed in me, I am sorry. I really am. I even hate the term self hurt. My hate for people who romanticize it goes beyond that. But today, I hit myself. Not once, not twice. Then in a moment, I regained the consciousness I didn't know I had lost. Almost a similar loss of self encountered me a few minutes back. I argued over something petty. Everytime the conversation (of course, in my mind it was an argument when it was a simple but serious conversation after all) neared an end, I kept spinning over and over. I dragged it. I was constantly adding chain after chain and created an utter disruption. Guess what? I didn't even realise that until I walked out of the room. Why didn't I walk out of the room earlier? Why did I place myself comfortably on the bed and find loopholes in every word the other person mouthed? It's a shame I didn't realise. I should have know that something inside me was messing with my whole being and people around me. I shouldn't have let that part of me come out at all. This isn't the first time. A few weeks back once a few months back once, a few years back once... I hope and pray that this doesn't happen at all. Not again. Not ever. I am extremely sorry for my behaviour. I should work on myself. My priority! My priority must be set right. I should work on myself, so that you can read this in peace and give yourself a much-deserved pat on your back for not being like your 18 year-old self in this part of life. But if, only if, and if you're even a shade like this monster that I was today, I plead with you-- work on yourself. That's not you. Don't believe that. You're sweet, you're kind, you don't hurt people, not even unknowingly. You're not rude like you tell yourself. You're one of the most sweetest souls I know of. People around you might look like they're okay with your behaviour, but I tell you IT IS NOT. Don't compromise on that. Don't go throwing words like needles on the ground. I have no qualms about the amount of hurt you'll earn from that. You love when things are all right. You make things all right. You are happy with life. You make yourself happy. That's who you are. You are soft! You're a gem. Maybe not today. Maybe today, as the 18 year-old self we failed in one of the most important phases of life, but there's a lot to come and let the trial run not disappoint us. We'll work on us. I hope you can see the result of my effort in the way you've turned out. I want to be proud of you. I mean it.
