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My therapist says, "Take your time, it's alright".
Take your time... hmm!
To start with, how do I tell him that I abhor confined places, such as this air-conditioned cabin of his.
Dim lights, dark curtains and closed doors.
"My name is Varun and I am 26 years old.
It all started when I was a kid, probably 12 at that time. He was my neighbour and my parents trusted him. I would go to his home every evening to seek help in my maths' homework.
When I first told Maa about what he had tried to do, Maa called Baba and had narrated the tale to him. Baba didn't believe me either. He pulled out the belt from his pant's hoop and hit me. He hit me till I fell to the ground and I had no strength left within me to protest against him; just the way how Veer uncle had thrown me on his couch and had ran his fingers on my inner thigh. Each time I tried to shout for help, he would cover my mouth and yank me harder.
I never went to his house after that, but that didn't stop him from coming to my home in the evening when my parents were away.
14 years from then, I know the memories should have been erased, but they continue to haunt me.
Schizophrenia is what they call it. I could see Veer uncle everywhere. On the roads, in the shops, in the park, in the silhouette of the watchman outside the school, my PE teacher, the lab instructor in college, the invigilator in the examination hall, the man at the bus stand, the man in the public bus silently and subtly molesting me. I see him everywhere. The fact that he died two years ago from a cardiac arrest had definitely not soothed me enough.
The memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me every day and every night.
I remember the first time I confessed my love to my girlfriend, I held her tight in my arms and cried. She had run her slender fingers through my hair and had let my emotions flow down with my tears. She was understanding then and she still is when I wake up in the middle of the night shouting and panting next to her, from a nightmare. She understands my distorted speech. She understands, and I love her.
But today, I know this has to end.
She is a strong woman and she deserves more. We found out yesterday that she is pregnant with our first kid and I am not sure if we must go ahead or abort the child, when I am still fighting my inner demons. My wife says that she understands and that we can wait.", I tell my therapist.
The therapist looks at me and says, "Well Mr. Varun, I must say that your wife deserves more, give her the happiness and make sure that you don't raise a beast.
I will prescribe you some pills.
But, you need to fight your inner demons, let the upbringing of this kid be your panacea. Name it Veer."
Schizophrenia - a mental disorder that usually appears in late adolescence or early adulthood and is characterised by delusions, hallucinations and other cognitive difficulties.
Panacea - a solution or remedy for all difficulties and diseases.
Veer (masculine/ feminine) - brave
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"#OpenPoetry मैं सोता हूँ घर में शांति छा जाती है, वो सोती है घर में सूनापन छा जाता है। मैं घर लौटता हूँ, घर में खुशी हो जाती है, वो घर लौटती है, घर में रौनक आ जाती है। मैं सो कर उठता हूँ, घर में फरमाइशें गूंजती हैं, वो सो कर उठती है, तो पूजा की घंटियां गूंजती हैं। मेरा घर लौटना उसका आत्मविश्वास बढ़ाता है, वो घर लौटती है तो लक्ष्मी और अन्नपूर्णा का वास होता है।"
"MY FUTURE WIFE When you are sad, I will dry your tears When you are scared, I will comfort your fears When you need love, my heart I will share When you are sick, for you I will care You will feel my love when we are apart Knowing that nothing will change my heart When you are worried, I will give you hope When you are confused, I will help you cope When you are lost, and can’t see the light My love will be a beacon, shining ever so bright This is my vow, one that I pledge till the end For you above all are my wife and best friend These words I have written, speak of my love for you From my lips these words spoken, shall always ring true God has blessed me, and with your hand in mine Both of our hearts, will forever intertwine Into all lives, falls pain and sorrows, I promise together, we will meet all tomorrows Happy in marriage, honor and love blessed in unity by God above. Will you marry me? ©G_mar_Kenya_2019. A star on rise."
"हर कर्म में मेरे उसे संदेह का आभाश है दिन के उजाले से रात के अंधेरे तक मेरे चेहरे से लेकर दफ्तर बैग तक शायद उसे किसी अनजान चीज़ की तलाश है मेडम का दफ्तर से आते ही पाकघर को निहारना गंदे बर्तन और चाय के पतीले का बीते आंठ घंटे की कहानी को क्षणों में चलचित्र की भांति विस्तार से दिखाना कदम बढ़ाकर उसका मुख्य द्वार से होकर गुजरना जूतों और चप्पलों का अपने भ्रमण की कहानी दर्शाना यही तक काफी होता तो ठीक था पर अब उसका कचरा पात्र को पैनी नज़र से टटोलना मैनें क्या क्या खाया क्या क्या फैका उसका ब्यौरा कचरापात्र से निकलवाना मैं भी किसी व्योमकेश से कम नहीं हूँ हर बात को उसकी भली भांति जानता हूँ अपने हर जुर्म के लिए, पकड़ा जाऊ इसलिए हर जुर्म के बाद सबूत अवश्य छोड़ता हूँ वो दिल की अच्छी है इसका आभाश है मुझे हर टोक में मंद मंद हँसी का आभाश है मुझे गर में गलतियाँ ना करूँ तो रिश्ते में रह ही क्या जाएगा और किसी दिन वो मुझे ना टोके तो शायद मेरा ये दिल धड़कना रुक जाएगा तो शायद मेरा ये दिल धड़कना रुक जाएगा"
"Zindagi ch najare aa Single sadi life aaaa Gf da chakr nii direct bnani koi wife aa 😎😂😂"
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