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Mr.Looser

I saw excessive pampering of my siblings (especially my brother) by my parents and relatives. I thought I am unlovable. At the age of 5 my parents admitted me to hostel. Thought I have been abandoned. Everyone used to laugh at my drawings. Once I got z+. So from then onward for me drawing something means gathering people to humiliate myself. I was told/ teased that I am not a player. I implanted in my head that I am useless player. It was very sad that I proved myself useful by spending most of the time clapping and cheering loudly as spectator whilematch and I would let my team won matches only in my head. I used to score good marks in math’s, but later on I could not solve solutions of some chapters. I told myself math’s is unsolvable In school when I used to saw every, attractive student I met .I feel bad. Deep inside, I was thinking why I am not like him. I was consistently dissatisfied and blame myself saying I’m not good enough. As a captain of my house, I failed to develop my house. I thought I am not good enough for leadership. My hairs turned white. I started walking with shoulders down They said I am getting old. I lost enthusiasm. My elders usually yelled/shout at me When some of my friends slightly cornered with me, I felt I am unwanted. She said “you are disgusting”, I believed her. When I felt that she love me so I was in the way to a just then she accepted his proposal. I thought I am not worthy of being prince of any princess. I still heard it. echoes of everyone who had ever told me “no” After then I have always doubted myself Coz above mentioned thoughts were like a seed that was then planted in my brain. And every time I thought about it, I watered it. Soon enough, that seed sprouted and feelings of not being enough and I cants resulted in I don’t speak up because I believe others have better things to say. I quit putting myself out there because I believed other people were better. Whenever I’ve looked in the mirror and heard a voice inside me saying, “You can’t.” I used to hear I can from heart. But unfortunately I always ended up doing nothing. Because intensity of “I can’t” rattling inside my brain was very massive compared to “I can” and I never stepped up in the ground coz generally I was defeated by my thoughts inside my mind. Sitting frustrated, I commemorate my fears of jejunity. “What if I fail to inspire others What if I fail to meet others expectation What If I fail to be successful What if I fail to have friends What if I’ll be all alone” etc. etc. But now I regret “what if I never had those fears” I could have better today. #what if

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